In the past, even-numbered years have been better to me than odd-numbered ones. This year threw me for a loop, though. Losing Angel was the most traumatic event that Jared or I have ever experienced. The three full months it took for me to heal nearly broke me.
There were blessings, though. Jared got a great job, and I kept a job, we've lived for a year in our own home, we have a closer relationship, and are almost 15 weeks along with our second child. My relationship with God has recovered, but it will never be the same as it was before my miscarriage. I trust God...but I trust Him more like I trust Jared. I know Jared loves me, and I know Jared's not "out to get me", but he's still capable of hurting me in incredibly deep ways, and I know at some points in our lives, he WILL hurt me, either purposefully or not.
I'm hopeful that 2013 will surprise me with how wonderful it will be. My hopes for the year are that Jared will be shown great favor in his job and be given a raise, and that I will be able to finish out the school year at my job and keep my health insurance long enough to be covered during labor and delivery. I pray for health and safety for Peanut, with a positive labor and delivery experience at the Birth Center. I hope that we will get some home improvement projects finished, such as paving the second driveway lane, taking down two pine trees, and sanding/sealing the deck. I'd like to travel to Alabama and see my Mimi. I'd like to take a vacation of some sort--the beach sounds nice right now.
Less than two hours until a new year starts, and both Jared and the dog are fast asleep. We are such boring people! :)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
NT Scan Results and Pictures
I already posted about our first trimester ultrasound screen, and the initial numbers looked good. I got a call this past week with the results from the blood work, which showed that Peanut has a less than 1 in 10,000 chance of having Downs Syndrome or a comparable disability. That's as low as the chances go, so we are pretty happy with it! Here are some pictures from the ultrasound.
Head, neck and chest
3D of baby
Full 2D image of baby, facing down
Start of Week Fifteen, and Another Appointment
Merry Christmas, a few days ago! Jared and I had a nice holiday, staying in town. All our family is here, too. We received many gifts and were able to spend time with the people we care about.
Yesterday, I had another appointment at the Birth Center. They want me to come once a month. They checked vitals, we had question and answer time, and we listened to Peanut's heartbeat. The heartbeat was a consistent 160 bpm, and it was obvious that Peanut was moving, because the sound kept getting fainter and then louder. I was surprised to find out that I had lost 4.5 lbs in the last month or so. I am now 1.8 lbs below my PRE-pregnancy weight. It's weird, because I am wearing a bigger size of pants now, and more "flowy" tops (my regular ones are starting to stretch), so I don't know where I am losing the weight from. The midwives/nurses didn't seem concerned, for now. They did tell me to start a walking regimen, starting with 10 minutes a day and moving up slowly to 30 minutes, 5 days a week. They also advised me to take papaya enzyme to combat my nightly sickness, and extra vitamin D for my deficiency.
Well, today is the start of week fifteen for you, Peanut! You are comfortably into the second trimester. This week you will weigh around 2-3 ounces and grow to 4.5 inches--maybe the size of a naval orange, or a regular sized apple. You can kick, flex, and move your arms and legs all around. You have enough strength, smarts and coordination to wiggle your fingers and toes and suck your thumb. Your brain impulses allow you to squint, frown, smile, and form other expressions, as well as "breathe", suck and swallow. Your ears are now in their proper place--and your eyes are moving from the sides of your head to the front. We love you very much.
As for me....I'm still throwing up the last thing every night. I felt okay for a few days straight, and now I'm back to being nauseous for most of the day and getting sick right before bed. I am more than a little annoyed with it. My belly is visibly poking out, and I still go to the bathroom an awful lot. I am also lethargic. I really hope to have more energy and less nausea in the coming week!
Our next regular appointment at the Birth Center will be towards the end of January, and Jared and I have made the decision not to announce when our anatomy ultrasound will be. That way, we may have less pestering on what Peanut actually is. I think we will probably share the news within a couple of weeks after we know, but we would like to have the time to revel and bond in the knowledge as a couple, and to share when we're ready for the world to know.
Yesterday, I had another appointment at the Birth Center. They want me to come once a month. They checked vitals, we had question and answer time, and we listened to Peanut's heartbeat. The heartbeat was a consistent 160 bpm, and it was obvious that Peanut was moving, because the sound kept getting fainter and then louder. I was surprised to find out that I had lost 4.5 lbs in the last month or so. I am now 1.8 lbs below my PRE-pregnancy weight. It's weird, because I am wearing a bigger size of pants now, and more "flowy" tops (my regular ones are starting to stretch), so I don't know where I am losing the weight from. The midwives/nurses didn't seem concerned, for now. They did tell me to start a walking regimen, starting with 10 minutes a day and moving up slowly to 30 minutes, 5 days a week. They also advised me to take papaya enzyme to combat my nightly sickness, and extra vitamin D for my deficiency.
Well, today is the start of week fifteen for you, Peanut! You are comfortably into the second trimester. This week you will weigh around 2-3 ounces and grow to 4.5 inches--maybe the size of a naval orange, or a regular sized apple. You can kick, flex, and move your arms and legs all around. You have enough strength, smarts and coordination to wiggle your fingers and toes and suck your thumb. Your brain impulses allow you to squint, frown, smile, and form other expressions, as well as "breathe", suck and swallow. Your ears are now in their proper place--and your eyes are moving from the sides of your head to the front. We love you very much.
As for me....I'm still throwing up the last thing every night. I felt okay for a few days straight, and now I'm back to being nauseous for most of the day and getting sick right before bed. I am more than a little annoyed with it. My belly is visibly poking out, and I still go to the bathroom an awful lot. I am also lethargic. I really hope to have more energy and less nausea in the coming week!
Our next regular appointment at the Birth Center will be towards the end of January, and Jared and I have made the decision not to announce when our anatomy ultrasound will be. That way, we may have less pestering on what Peanut actually is. I think we will probably share the news within a couple of weeks after we know, but we would like to have the time to revel and bond in the knowledge as a couple, and to share when we're ready for the world to know.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
NT Ultrasound, and Week 14
Today marks 13 full weeks and the start of week 14! Peanut, you might start to sprout hair on your head and eyebrows this week. You are also straightening out--your neck getting longer, your head more erect. You are three inches long and weigh about an ounce. We love you very much.
Two days ago, Jared and I went to Rex for the nuchal translucency ultrasound, which is an end of first trimester screening tool to check for the probability of things like Downs Syndrome. Again, we went to the same place, sat in the same room, had the same ultrasound tech as when we had this down with Angel and found she was gone. I was nervous up to the point where Peanut came on screen and immediately pushed out his/her little legs--like they were a frog's. It was amazing to see Peanut moving so much. He/She turned over constantly; a "roller", like mom. :) Also, he/she got the hiccups towards the end of the ultrasound. Peanut measured exactly three inches long and was estimated to be 3 -4 days of growth ahead of schedule. The ultrasound showed great numbers and no concern for any defects. I am still waiting on blood test results for further numbers, but I'm not worried. With how much movement Peanut made (and none of it exactly in the right angle), there's no way to even guess what the gender might be. We'll have to wait!
I am still throwing up--the last thing at night, almost every night. I am more than tired of it. Also, I've been exhausted this last week at work. Partially due to the Christmas crazies infecting everyone at school, but also due to pregnancy. I've told people that I know I'm just not myself, and it bothers me. This past week I found a discernible "baby belly" on me, and Jared could tell the difference too...that was kind of exciting. :)
In the remainder of this developmental week, some of Jared's family is coming in from out of state to visit for Christmas. We're trying to finish buying a few last gifts, say hello to family, celebrate Christmas with my family, celebrate it with Jared's family, and hopefully have a few days to breathe before I go back to work for another six weeks.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sick!
It seems morning sickness simply moved out of the way for a sinus infection to move in. I have a headache, stuffy ears and nose, a scratchy, sore throat, a cough, colorful mucus, fever, and no voice. My face feels like Violet looked after she chewed the gum in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I did get physically sick once last night and once this morning, so I'm not sure I'm in the clear from that, either.
On Friday I went to Minute Clinic, a quick, nurse-run office that some CVS stores in the area have. The nurse there told me the infection was viral and to go home, rest and take Tylenol. The thing is, I have a long, chronic history of sinus infections, and none of them have ever been viral. I have always needed an antibiotic to clear it. But, she wouldn't write me a prescription, and sent me on my way with her advice, and minus $35 from my pocket.
So, after suffering horrendously all weekend and not being able to sleep at night, I am taking the morning off from work and going to my regular doctor, who has much more sense than the nurses at Minute Clinic! Looking forward to getting an antibiotic and feeling better!
On Friday I went to Minute Clinic, a quick, nurse-run office that some CVS stores in the area have. The nurse there told me the infection was viral and to go home, rest and take Tylenol. The thing is, I have a long, chronic history of sinus infections, and none of them have ever been viral. I have always needed an antibiotic to clear it. But, she wouldn't write me a prescription, and sent me on my way with her advice, and minus $35 from my pocket.
So, after suffering horrendously all weekend and not being able to sleep at night, I am taking the morning off from work and going to my regular doctor, who has much more sense than the nurses at Minute Clinic! Looking forward to getting an antibiotic and feeling better!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Twelve Weeks...and a day
I am a little late this week--yesterday was very full! Peanut, you are starting week 13. Information differs on whether you will grow to the size of a lime or a small peach this week. Your intestines are moving from the umbilical cord into your abdomen, and your kidneys are making urine. This week, you will start making reflexes. Your fingers will soon begin to open and close, your toes will curl, your eye muscles will clench, and your mouth will make sucking movements. You can move your arms and legs, and may be able to get your thumb to your mouth. We love you very much.
Morning sickness has been pretty evil--2 or 3 times a day and nausea all day long--but knock on wood, I am feeling better so far today. I do have some sinus issues, so I am still not feeling "great", but at least I have been spared nausea for the past four hours or so! All but 1 pair of jeans and 2 pairs of dress pants are too small for me now. I am trying to wait until January to shop, when clothes should be on sale, but I may have to break down and buy some new ones now. I can gently press in the fat above my belly button and clearly see the "baby bump" below.
Our first trimester ultrasound screening is on Tuesday, 4 days away. This is the test where we found out Angel was gone. I feel like, if it goes well, this would really be the turning point on my worry and my ability to enjoy this pregnancy. The test would tell us the probability of Peanut having Down's Syndrome or other mental or physical incapacities. I am not really worried about that--none of it runs in either of our families, and we are healthy and young. And even if something like that did come to pass, Peanut, we still want you. We still love you. It doesn't really change anything.
Morning sickness has been pretty evil--2 or 3 times a day and nausea all day long--but knock on wood, I am feeling better so far today. I do have some sinus issues, so I am still not feeling "great", but at least I have been spared nausea for the past four hours or so! All but 1 pair of jeans and 2 pairs of dress pants are too small for me now. I am trying to wait until January to shop, when clothes should be on sale, but I may have to break down and buy some new ones now. I can gently press in the fat above my belly button and clearly see the "baby bump" below.
Our first trimester ultrasound screening is on Tuesday, 4 days away. This is the test where we found out Angel was gone. I feel like, if it goes well, this would really be the turning point on my worry and my ability to enjoy this pregnancy. The test would tell us the probability of Peanut having Down's Syndrome or other mental or physical incapacities. I am not really worried about that--none of it runs in either of our families, and we are healthy and young. And even if something like that did come to pass, Peanut, we still want you. We still love you. It doesn't really change anything.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Gender Guessing
Peanut, there's not a 100% way to know if you are a boy or girl until you are born, but it's sometimes fun to guess. The lack of morning sickness early on said you're a boy. I have had two strangers in two different countries proclaim you to be a girl. The baking soda test said you are a boy. The Chinese calender prediction says you are a girl. The Shettles Method says you're a boy. My cravings--salty food, meat and cheese--say you are a boy, too. I am planning on trying to use the Nub Theory at our next ultrasound, and will post if I can get results, but the jury seems to be out! We won't have a decent chance at knowing until around 18 weeks.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Start of Week 12
Peanut, you are 11 full weeks today! You are still growing a lot. You are about the size of a large plum, or a fig. Your digestive system is practicing contractions so you can eat, your pituitary gland is producing hormines, and your bone marrow is making white blood cells to fight off germs. This week you will grow to a 1/2 ounce, and 2 inches long. We love you very much.
I caught a stomach virus my first day back at work, and was knocked on my back on Tuesday. I had horrible vertigo and dizziness, and severe vomiting. It lasted about 24 hours and left me weak, but it's over. "F" stands for frightening, freakish, and also my bra size. It is terrifying and I need them to stop growing now! If I press into my abdomen, I can feel the top of my uterus now. And morning sickness, with help from the stomach virus, seemed to peak on Tuesday and has settled slightly the last two days. We'll see if that trend continues.
Today, I finally got my first trimester screening ultrasound scheduled. Instead of being within the week, it is another 11 days away. The last (first) time we had this test, we found out Angel had passed away. So, I am very nervous for this test and feel like I could truly breathe easier if everything goes well.
I caught a stomach virus my first day back at work, and was knocked on my back on Tuesday. I had horrible vertigo and dizziness, and severe vomiting. It lasted about 24 hours and left me weak, but it's over. "F" stands for frightening, freakish, and also my bra size. It is terrifying and I need them to stop growing now! If I press into my abdomen, I can feel the top of my uterus now. And morning sickness, with help from the stomach virus, seemed to peak on Tuesday and has settled slightly the last two days. We'll see if that trend continues.
Today, I finally got my first trimester screening ultrasound scheduled. Instead of being within the week, it is another 11 days away. The last (first) time we had this test, we found out Angel had passed away. So, I am very nervous for this test and feel like I could truly breathe easier if everything goes well.
A baby in the womb at 12 weeks
Monday, December 3, 2012
Back to Work I Go
Tracking back in was hard today, I was anxious about it last night. This is my week to tend to the dog in the morning, and Josie had peed and pooped in the kitchen overnight. (In fact, she peed in the kitchen four times today--most likely because she was having to hold her bladder for twice as long as she got used to while I was tracked out.) After I took her out and cleaned her mess, I was nauseous and dry heaved in the sink for a while, which almost made me late...like I said, it was hard to go back to work.
Morning sickness is still on and off all day, every day. I am really getting tired of it. I'll be 11 weeks on Thursday and it really should peak by then.
The third grade teacher I help told her students I was expecting today. They all wanted to know if I was having a boy or a girl. Of course, the girls thought I would have a girl, the boys thought I would have a boy. I figure I'll wait for the next ultrasound (should be within ten days) to be okay, before I tell the kindergartners.
Morning sickness is still on and off all day, every day. I am really getting tired of it. I'll be 11 weeks on Thursday and it really should peak by then.
The third grade teacher I help told her students I was expecting today. They all wanted to know if I was having a boy or a girl. Of course, the girls thought I would have a girl, the boys thought I would have a boy. I figure I'll wait for the next ultrasound (should be within ten days) to be okay, before I tell the kindergartners.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Angel's Due Date
There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world, and in our hearts.
Our Angel, you will never be forgotten, and you will always be loved.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
10 Week Appointment
I am so happy to say that everything went well at my appointment today. The midwife I met with went over everything again with me, just in case I'd forgotten anything since May. She examined me and said I was measuring "exactly right" for 10 weeks. She told me it was a little early to definitely hear a heartbeat, which I knew. I also know that I am chunky and my fat would get in the way of the Doppler. But Peanut's heartbeat came through nice and clear, anyway! I laughed with relief and thanked God for being good.
They took urine and blood samples and gave me a pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine. All adults should get a booster if you come into contact with kids. The shot you got as a child wears off over time.
So, Jared and I will go for an ultrasound in about two weeks, and my next appointment with the Birth Center will be in four weeks. I am so relieved that things are going well so far!
They took urine and blood samples and gave me a pertussis (whooping cough) vaccine. All adults should get a booster if you come into contact with kids. The shot you got as a child wears off over time.
So, Jared and I will go for an ultrasound in about two weeks, and my next appointment with the Birth Center will be in four weeks. I am so relieved that things are going well so far!
Start of Week Eleven
Peanut, you are 10 full weeks old! I am a little anxious this week. This past May, Angel passed away when she was 10.5 weeks old. I am worried about possibly having to relive this trauma. Also, Angel's due date was to be this Saturday. As happy as I am to have you in my life, Peanut, I still miss Angel.
Well, this coming week, you will grow to be 2 inches long and will weigh a third of an ounce. You really look like a little person, with hands and feet at the front of your body, open nasal passages on the tip of your nose, a tongue and palate in your mouth, and ears nearly in their final shape. Hair follicles will form and fingernail and toenail beds will, too. Your fingers and toes are all individual and separately formed, not webbed anymore. If you are a girl, your ovaries are developing! We love you very much.
More smells seem to bother me lately, just random things, but especially Josie, our bulldog. It feels like the house doesn't even smell like a place for people anymore. I am also still a bit nauseous, but not as bad as the last two weeks. I'm also moody and irritable, which I feel bad about. I track back in to school on Monday for three weeks, before Christmas break starts. Hopefully it will be a decent transition. I did decide to stay with my job as long as I have Peanut, instead of going to look for something else. It's not a good time for a career change, and I need the good health insurance that I get for working for the state.
I have my first appointment with the midwives at the Birth Center in an hour and a half! I am really hoping everything looks great and that I will be able to hear Peanut's heartbeat. If I'm not, I want to ask for another ultrasound on Friday. I can't wait another two weeks without knowing if Peanut is okay or not.
Well, this coming week, you will grow to be 2 inches long and will weigh a third of an ounce. You really look like a little person, with hands and feet at the front of your body, open nasal passages on the tip of your nose, a tongue and palate in your mouth, and ears nearly in their final shape. Hair follicles will form and fingernail and toenail beds will, too. Your fingers and toes are all individual and separately formed, not webbed anymore. If you are a girl, your ovaries are developing! We love you very much.
More smells seem to bother me lately, just random things, but especially Josie, our bulldog. It feels like the house doesn't even smell like a place for people anymore. I am also still a bit nauseous, but not as bad as the last two weeks. I'm also moody and irritable, which I feel bad about. I track back in to school on Monday for three weeks, before Christmas break starts. Hopefully it will be a decent transition. I did decide to stay with my job as long as I have Peanut, instead of going to look for something else. It's not a good time for a career change, and I need the good health insurance that I get for working for the state.
I have my first appointment with the midwives at the Birth Center in an hour and a half! I am really hoping everything looks great and that I will be able to hear Peanut's heartbeat. If I'm not, I want to ask for another ultrasound on Friday. I can't wait another two weeks without knowing if Peanut is okay or not.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
9 Weeks Today--Start of Week 10
Happy Thanksgiving!
We're in the third month! It occurs to me that I'm posting one week behind what I should be...so let's catch up, shall we? Peanut, this past week, you "officially" became a fetus, as opposed to an embryo. Jared and I don't think in those terms--you are our baby, and a person, no matter how small. You also grew to one inch in length and tiny muscles started to form.
This coming week, you will grow to an inch and a half, about the size of a prune. Bones and cartilage will be forming. Your tiny knees and ankles will start forming, and your elbows are already working! Tiny baby teeth will form and your stomach and kidneys are working hard. If you are a boy, you will start producing testosterone this week. We love you very much.
As for me...wow, morning sickness is really digging in! The last four days, I have felt sick almost the whole day, with dry heaves/vomiting 2-3 times a day. Breasts are sore, visiting the bathroom a lot, still feeling tired a lot. Also, I've noticed that I really don't like sweets as much. Lemonade and sweet tea taste like liquid sugar, and it's awful. I have no desire for chocolate, ice cream, etc. I would rather have acidic or salty foods. Milk is also really good.
It's one week until I go to the Birth Center for our "first" visit. They will try to hear the heart beat, and I really pray that they will be able to find it. Last time, they couldn't find it, and I spent another few days thinking everything was fine, before we found out for sure that Angel was gone. This time, if they can't find it, I will be wrapped up in anxiety and dread. While we're talking about Angel, her due date would've been in another nine days. Love you, Angel. Miss you.
We're in the third month! It occurs to me that I'm posting one week behind what I should be...so let's catch up, shall we? Peanut, this past week, you "officially" became a fetus, as opposed to an embryo. Jared and I don't think in those terms--you are our baby, and a person, no matter how small. You also grew to one inch in length and tiny muscles started to form.
This coming week, you will grow to an inch and a half, about the size of a prune. Bones and cartilage will be forming. Your tiny knees and ankles will start forming, and your elbows are already working! Tiny baby teeth will form and your stomach and kidneys are working hard. If you are a boy, you will start producing testosterone this week. We love you very much.
As for me...wow, morning sickness is really digging in! The last four days, I have felt sick almost the whole day, with dry heaves/vomiting 2-3 times a day. Breasts are sore, visiting the bathroom a lot, still feeling tired a lot. Also, I've noticed that I really don't like sweets as much. Lemonade and sweet tea taste like liquid sugar, and it's awful. I have no desire for chocolate, ice cream, etc. I would rather have acidic or salty foods. Milk is also really good.
It's one week until I go to the Birth Center for our "first" visit. They will try to hear the heart beat, and I really pray that they will be able to find it. Last time, they couldn't find it, and I spent another few days thinking everything was fine, before we found out for sure that Angel was gone. This time, if they can't find it, I will be wrapped up in anxiety and dread. While we're talking about Angel, her due date would've been in another nine days. Love you, Angel. Miss you.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Back from Mexico!
Jared and I took a nice little vacation to Playa del Carmen last week. We stayed at a nice resort, ate good food, slept late, and lounged at the pool and the beach. It was wonderful! I kept getting a little bit sicker each day, so that was the only downside. I guess the nausea/morning sickness is just kicking in a little slower than last time. Last time, I got very sick at six weeks. This time, it's only really starting to bother me at eight weeks. I'm wearing my Seabands and chewing mint gum, but I really don't feel like doing much.
It's another nine days until my appointment at the Birth Center, and perhaps three weeks before another ultrasound.
It's another nine days until my appointment at the Birth Center, and perhaps three weeks before another ultrasound.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
8 Weeks, Starting Week 9
Today starts week 9, Peanut! You are 5/8 of an inch long, the size of a kidney bean. Fingers and toes are poking out of your limb buds, and your eyelids are forming over your eyes. Your joints have formed in your arms and legs, and so have some breathing tubes in your throat, and nerve cells in your brain. You are starting to make twitches in the womb and hopefully in the next week or two, we will be able to hear your heartbeat on dopplar. We love you very much.
Jared and I flew to Mexico today, and I happened to throw up for the first time of this pregnancy while on the plane. Lucky me! Breasts are sore, still tired a lot, but I haven't been visiting the restroom as much.
Like I said, Jared and I are on a little vacation--a "babymoon", if you will. We are here in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, staying at a lovely resort. It's so nice to get away and relax!
Peanut, stay safe and healthy, and keep growing!
Jared and I flew to Mexico today, and I happened to throw up for the first time of this pregnancy while on the plane. Lucky me! Breasts are sore, still tired a lot, but I haven't been visiting the restroom as much.
Like I said, Jared and I are on a little vacation--a "babymoon", if you will. We are here in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, staying at a lovely resort. It's so nice to get away and relax!
Peanut, stay safe and healthy, and keep growing!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Reaction
We have had so much fun telling people about you, Peanut. We started off telling coworkers with a special flower bouquet, then we told our church connect group by blurting it out, and then we told parents and Facebook, as described in the previous post. Everyone has been excited, joyful, and more than willing to pray for you and against our anxieties. We are thankful to have such supportive friends and family, who believe in the power of prayer. It means more than we can say.
Here are our families' reactions--more subdued than last time, but still fun!
Jared's parents
Here are our families' reactions--more subdued than last time, but still fun!
My parents
Saturday, November 10, 2012
How We'll Tell
So tomorrow, we'll go to my parents in Raleigh. As far as they know, it's just because we're headed to the Angus Barn restaurant afterwards to celebrate Jared's birthday with his family. Mom will probably have Jared's gift to give him, and we will give her a present, too--something "we picked up a while ago and just forgot about." And here's what she'll find:
My mother has a little collection of Boyd's Bears; it so happens that my maiden name is Boyd. So, this was too cute to pass up.
After a few hours, we'll head to Jared's parents' house in Cary, where he'll blurt out the news in some clever way that he hasn't decided on yet.
And Monday, we'll post a picture on Facebook to announce our news:
After a few hours, we'll head to Jared's parents' house in Cary, where he'll blurt out the news in some clever way that he hasn't decided on yet.
And Monday, we'll post a picture on Facebook to announce our news:
We like making our pictures a little "weird", so people have to figure out the news. Last time, we posted a picture of a hamburger bun, sitting in our oven. It took a while for some folks! This one is a little clearer.
Peanut, get ready to not be a secret anymore!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Seven Full Weeks, Start of Week Eight!
Peanut, you are growing fast! You are about half an inch long, the size of a raspberry. Your legs, back, eyelids, nose and lips are taking shape. Your heart is beating around 150 times a minute, and you will start making little movements this week--twitching your legs and arms! We love you very much.
The biggest symptom I notice is the exhaustion. I never seem to get enough sleep, and I am tired all day. I am grumpy at work and cranky at home. And I don't want to be that way, so that makes me all the more irritable! My breasts are sore, I visit the bathroom a lot, and I do have nausea, although it's manageable so far.
We have shared our news with coworkers, our small group, our church and our neighbors...and in three days (Sunday) our families will know, too! Last time we told them first--but we don't feel it's a necessity. We'll share with everyone else on Monday, and then it'll be a waiting time until my first real appointment in three weeks, when I'll be ten weeks along. It seems the last week or two have gone by incredibly slowly!
The biggest symptom I notice is the exhaustion. I never seem to get enough sleep, and I am tired all day. I am grumpy at work and cranky at home. And I don't want to be that way, so that makes me all the more irritable! My breasts are sore, I visit the bathroom a lot, and I do have nausea, although it's manageable so far.
We have shared our news with coworkers, our small group, our church and our neighbors...and in three days (Sunday) our families will know, too! Last time we told them first--but we don't feel it's a necessity. We'll share with everyone else on Monday, and then it'll be a waiting time until my first real appointment in three weeks, when I'll be ten weeks along. It seems the last week or two have gone by incredibly slowly!
Monday, November 5, 2012
That Familiar, Sickly Feeling
"Morning" sickness started today! Although it was really just the nausea part. I felt sick off and on today, and wore my Seabands all day. I have been saying that I'd rather be very sick and know that Peanut was doing OK, than feel fine and worry about it. So, I better not complain too much about it! I am thankful for this little life and pray that God will let us keep him/her. Five days until we tell our families, and then the world! :)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Six Weeks, Take Two
Peanut, today is the day you are really six weeks, and starting on week seven! Your nose, mouth and ears are taking shape. Your arm and leg buds are coming out. Your intestines and pituitary gland are forming, and your lungs have started to appear. You are a quarter of an inch long. We love you very much!
I have been so, so tired the last week or so. It comes out at being withdrawn or grouchy at work, and irritable or complaining at home. I fall asleep if I lay on the couch too long. I also have sore breasts, go to the bathroom a lot, and have had some vivid dreams. No morning sickness, cravings or aversions yet. I've thanked God for letting Peanut be okay up to now, and every time it crosses my mind, I ask God to continue to keep him/her safe, healthy and living.
Ten days until we tell family, eleven until we tell the world, and four weeks until my next appointment with the Birth Center.
I have been so, so tired the last week or so. It comes out at being withdrawn or grouchy at work, and irritable or complaining at home. I fall asleep if I lay on the couch too long. I also have sore breasts, go to the bathroom a lot, and have had some vivid dreams. No morning sickness, cravings or aversions yet. I've thanked God for letting Peanut be okay up to now, and every time it crosses my mind, I ask God to continue to keep him/her safe, healthy and living.
Ten days until we tell family, eleven until we tell the world, and four weeks until my next appointment with the Birth Center.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Not As Old As First Thought
Peanut, we thought you were older than you are! The ultrasound technician measured you today and said you would be six weeks tomorrow. We thought you would be seven full weeks today!
This is not a cause for worry, yet. I did ovulate 3-4 days late, so I knew that would push me off by a little.
We did get to hear your heartbeat, which was going at 105 beats a minute. This is good for almost six weeks.
You are due on June 27th now, not June 19th. That's OK, as long as you come out healthy and living.
Jared and I feel happy and relieved, for now. We are thanking God that He is with us and He is letting Peanut grow and be healthy. It will be another 5-6 weeks before my appointment at the Birth Center, and then another ultrasound. We will tell family and friends in two weeks!
We love you very much.
This is not a cause for worry, yet. I did ovulate 3-4 days late, so I knew that would push me off by a little.
We did get to hear your heartbeat, which was going at 105 beats a minute. This is good for almost six weeks.
You are due on June 27th now, not June 19th. That's OK, as long as you come out healthy and living.
Jared and I feel happy and relieved, for now. We are thanking God that He is with us and He is letting Peanut grow and be healthy. It will be another 5-6 weeks before my appointment at the Birth Center, and then another ultrasound. We will tell family and friends in two weeks!
We love you very much.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Choose
Tomorrow morning is the first of several milestones. I have to consciously choose not to worry about it. Worry is a detriment and unhealthy. It does no good, only harm. And yet, don't we cling to it? Don't you catch yourself in your thoughts, being caught up by whatever happens to be wrong at that given moment? It's such a difficult thing to let go of. I am trying so hard to be positive and to trust that God is actually going to bless us with a healthy, living child this time.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Telling Connect Group
Tonight, we told our church connect group our news. There are three other women in our group who are having bumps in the road to parenthood, and I wrote them an email last night, letting them know ahead of time. Tonight, when everyone had arrived, Jared blurted out, "hey everyone, we have an announcement, we're pregnant!" And, there were congratulations, and the group prayed for us as well. We tried to make it low-key, mostly being sensitive for the women who are going through a rough patch.
So now our coworkers know, and our connect group knows. We have our ultrasound in less than 36 hours, and then we tell family on November 11, call friends November 12, and tell Facebook after that. I am already chomping at the bit to be out of this first trimester....I want to breathe a little easier and not worry so much!
So now our coworkers know, and our connect group knows. We have our ultrasound in less than 36 hours, and then we tell family on November 11, call friends November 12, and tell Facebook after that. I am already chomping at the bit to be out of this first trimester....I want to breathe a little easier and not worry so much!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
4 More Days
I've been better today and yesterday about not worrying so much. If something's already happened, then worrying about it won't fix it. If everything is fine, then there's nothing to worry about. Either way, worrying doesn't do anything but harm.
Tomorrow afternoon, I'll send an email to the ladies in my church connect group that have also had trouble conceiving. I'd like them to know in a more indirect way before we tell everyone face to face on Monday night.
Four days until our ultrasound....
Tomorrow afternoon, I'll send an email to the ladies in my church connect group that have also had trouble conceiving. I'd like them to know in a more indirect way before we tell everyone face to face on Monday night.
Four days until our ultrasound....
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Start of Week Seven
Peanut, you are six full weeks and starting the seventh. This week, you will grow to 10,000 times bigger than you were at conception--about the size of a blueberry. You are generating about 100 brain cells a minute. Your arm and leg buds are forming and dividing into their segments. Your mouth and tongue are forming. And, your kidneys are in place. We love you very much.
Peanut, an idea wormed its way inside my head a few days ago and refuses to budge. I am terrified that you may be a blighted ovum, and not a viable, healthy pregnancy.
During my last pregnancy, I started getting morning sickness on the first day of my seventh week. I also was getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and visiting the bathroom 5-6 times while at work. My breasts were so sore I could hardly shower, and I was exhausted to the point of silliness.
This time, I have no morning sickness, only visit the bathroom 2 times at work, maybe 5 times over a day, my breasts are vaguely sore but nothing terrible, and I am pretty tired.
This lack of symptoms worries me greatly. I would rather be sick as a dog, morning and night, and know that things were progressing fine...than to feel fine and worry incessantly like this. I have a whole week to fail at not dwelling on this until my ultrasound, where I guess I'll find out one way or the other.
I want to have faith, but doubt yells so much louder for my attention.
Peanut, an idea wormed its way inside my head a few days ago and refuses to budge. I am terrified that you may be a blighted ovum, and not a viable, healthy pregnancy.
During my last pregnancy, I started getting morning sickness on the first day of my seventh week. I also was getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and visiting the bathroom 5-6 times while at work. My breasts were so sore I could hardly shower, and I was exhausted to the point of silliness.
This time, I have no morning sickness, only visit the bathroom 2 times at work, maybe 5 times over a day, my breasts are vaguely sore but nothing terrible, and I am pretty tired.
This lack of symptoms worries me greatly. I would rather be sick as a dog, morning and night, and know that things were progressing fine...than to feel fine and worry incessantly like this. I have a whole week to fail at not dwelling on this until my ultrasound, where I guess I'll find out one way or the other.
I want to have faith, but doubt yells so much louder for my attention.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Signed Up
I called UNC again this morning and they scheduled me for an ultrasound next Wednesday. If I had the "perfect" 28 day cycle, I'd be seven weeks that day, but I know I ovulated about three days late, so I may only be 6.5 weeks when I go in. I am already nervous.
People ask me how I'm feeling, and I say I wish I felt worse, so that I'd know everything was going well. As it is, I've had no morning sickness, no obvious bloat. My breasts are tender but not achy, I'm tired but not WOW tired, and I visit the bathroom more, but not the ridiculous number of times like my last pregnancy.
Jared and I pray every day, usually multiple times, for this baby to be healthy and living. I am scared to run, get mad, drink coffee, lift anything more than a book, accidentally eat something I shouldn't....I worry that anything could cause me to lose this child. I think I will feel a little better if I can see that he/she's doing okay at seven weeks.
People ask me how I'm feeling, and I say I wish I felt worse, so that I'd know everything was going well. As it is, I've had no morning sickness, no obvious bloat. My breasts are tender but not achy, I'm tired but not WOW tired, and I visit the bathroom more, but not the ridiculous number of times like my last pregnancy.
Jared and I pray every day, usually multiple times, for this baby to be healthy and living. I am scared to run, get mad, drink coffee, lift anything more than a book, accidentally eat something I shouldn't....I worry that anything could cause me to lose this child. I think I will feel a little better if I can see that he/she's doing okay at seven weeks.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Always with the Waiting
Over the weekend, I had some throbbing, pulling, and cramping in my abdomen, and it was all I could do to wait until the Birth Center opened this morning to call and tell them about it. They asked a few questions and, though they did cite a legitimate reason for such feelings, I told them I'd feel better if I had an ultrasound. They understood and said they would call UNC to ask them to schedule me. They said I'd need to wait until I'm seven full weeks (next Wednesday, the 31st) for a better chance to actually see the baby and their heartbeat. On top of that long (to me) wait, I didn't get a call from UNC at all today. The Birth Center faxed over my information late in the day, around 3:30, and I called them at 4:30, but they had already closed up shop. I really do hate that, when companies say they're open until 5:00, but you call at 4:30 and a robot answers. I hope I can get in first thing in the morning next Wednesday.
Friday, October 19, 2012
To Sonogram or Not to Sonogram?
On my first blog, Faith in Things Unseen, I mention not feeling much in the sixth week. I noted that my breasts were larger and sore; I was tired and "a tad less patient". This time around, my sixth week started on Wednesday and I feel the same. Nothing huge, nothing concrete--the only way I really know I'm pregnant is because the at home tests tell me so.
Last time, not feeling anything was okay, because I believed everything would go perfectly. This time, I know that "perfect" is far from a given. My first appointment with the Birth Center isn't until the end of November, six weeks away. I just don't feel I can wait that long to know that Peanut is doing okay. I really want to see him/her and get someone with a PhD to tell me everything looks great.
I think I will call on Monday and see if they can see me for blood work and maybe even an ultrasound within two weeks. Also, if possible, I'd like to move the current appointment up a week so it'll be before Thanksgiving, when we tell family.
Last time, not feeling anything was okay, because I believed everything would go perfectly. This time, I know that "perfect" is far from a given. My first appointment with the Birth Center isn't until the end of November, six weeks away. I just don't feel I can wait that long to know that Peanut is doing okay. I really want to see him/her and get someone with a PhD to tell me everything looks great.
I think I will call on Monday and see if they can see me for blood work and maybe even an ultrasound within two weeks. Also, if possible, I'd like to move the current appointment up a week so it'll be before Thanksgiving, when we tell family.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Telling the Coworkers, and Week 6
I managed to cajole Jared into sending me flowers at work today, as a way to tell my coworkers at school. The flowers arrived after lunch and our secretary brought them down to me. I showed them off, and it took everyone a couple turns of the wheels in their heads to figure out what was what. But when they did, everyone was happy for me and gave congratulations.
I have to say, Jared and I find it much more difficult to be excited about this pregnancy. We were so naive our first time--nothing bad could ever happen to us, we thought. We skipped any readings on miscarriage and anything else that could go wrong. We daydreamed and talked about Angel (then Jellybean) on a daily basis. We came to an agreement on names and were starting to think about how we wanted to decorate her room. And then, everything crashed.
So this time, without really wanting to be, we are much more cautious. I reached a point of frustration last night and cried to Jared that it almost felt we were ignoring the fact I was pregnant. He's been much better since then. I don't want to live out my pregnancy just "waiting to lose the baby". It's not a good use of time or energy.
But I am nervous. At six weeks last time, things were fine. At seven, morning sickness came, and three weeks later, Angel died, of no apparent cause. I want to believe things will be different this time--I have to, if I want to keep my wits. And yet, I am nervous all the time.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Deciding When to Tell
We have an interesting conundrum. Originally, Jared and I wanted to share our baby news at Thanksgiving, since we see both families that day. But, then we thought that there were too many similarities to last time. I would be sharing the news at 10 weeks, like last time, and THEN having the heartbeat appointment at 11 weeks, like last time, and then having the ultrasound at 12 weeks, like last time. I don't want to feel that déjà vu. So, we looked at later times, which would have me sharing the news with family and facebook at about 14 weeks.
But, the more I think about that, the less I like it, and the more I feel we should go ahead and share at Thanksgiving. Just because it happened one way last time, doesn't mean the same thing will happen this time. All the doctors I've seen assure me that my miscarriage was a "lightning strike", a fluke, and that it won't happen again. I've been told by one doctor that they've "never seen such a perfect uterus and ovaries." Maybe this is me going out in faith. Maybe it's me going out in foolish hope. But I am willing to trust....so, Thanksgiving it is!
Three days until we tell coworkers, 4 weeks until we tell small group, 5.5 weeks until we tell family and Facebook. Love you, Peanut!
But, the more I think about that, the less I like it, and the more I feel we should go ahead and share at Thanksgiving. Just because it happened one way last time, doesn't mean the same thing will happen this time. All the doctors I've seen assure me that my miscarriage was a "lightning strike", a fluke, and that it won't happen again. I've been told by one doctor that they've "never seen such a perfect uterus and ovaries." Maybe this is me going out in faith. Maybe it's me going out in foolish hope. But I am willing to trust....so, Thanksgiving it is!
Three days until we tell coworkers, 4 weeks until we tell small group, 5.5 weeks until we tell family and Facebook. Love you, Peanut!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Week Five
Today starts week five of pregnancy. Peanut, this week you will grow to the size of an orange seed! A lot bigger than the poppy seed you were last week. This week, your heart is starting to take shape. The heart, brain and spinal cord are the first things to form. We love you very much.
I cancelled the early appointment (7 weeks) I had made with Women's Birth and Wellness Center, and moved it to 11 weeks. I decided that nothing would convince me this child is okay until I hear (or preferably see) his/her little heart beating. So, an early appointment would be a waste of time and money. My first appointment won't be until the end of November, and we'll tell family and Facebook after that. We are planning on telling coworkers much earlier, and our church small group a little after that.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
STILL Pregnant!
Checked again this morning--we weren't imagining those two lines. I am pregnant for the second time! Since I chose "Jellybean" for our first, Jared chose "Peanut" for this baby. So, until we are ready to share your name, you'll be our Peanut.
I am worried--I knew I would be. Every twinge in my belly could be the worst, and I dwell on my perceived lack of symptoms on any given day. I called the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill and asked to have a six week checkup before the usual first visit at ten weeks. But, after talking with Jared about it, I think I will go on faith and cancel that appointment.
My due date is showing as June 19th. I'm four weeks pregnant and Peanut is the size of a poppy seed. We are so thankful and praising God for restoring what He has taken away.
I am worried--I knew I would be. Every twinge in my belly could be the worst, and I dwell on my perceived lack of symptoms on any given day. I called the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill and asked to have a six week checkup before the usual first visit at ten weeks. But, after talking with Jared about it, I think I will go on faith and cancel that appointment.
My due date is showing as June 19th. I'm four weeks pregnant and Peanut is the size of a poppy seed. We are so thankful and praising God for restoring what He has taken away.
Monday, October 8, 2012
PREGNANT
This morning there was a positive result! The faintest, thinnest, most beautiful line ever. I thanked God and praised Him for His blessings. Jared is so happy, and wants to call this little person "Peanut". I'll test again on Wednesday and hope for a darker, clearer line....and after that I will call the Birth Center to get back into their system!
This means that I did, in fact, get pregnant by September, which was my stated goal back in May when I had my miscarriage. God is in the details.
This means that I did, in fact, get pregnant by September, which was my stated goal back in May when I had my miscarriage. God is in the details.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Either No or Too Early
Got a negative this morning. Thinking it may be too early, either way. If I ovulated last Friday, then it's really only been nine days. I mean, the test says you can take it five days before your period, but more people get results if you wait longer. HcG hormone doubles every 48 hours, so I'll try again on Monday and on Wednesday if necessary. I should start my period on Wednesday if I'm not pregnant.
All those friends who got pregnant right around the same time as me are announcing they're 30 weeks, 34 weeks, 36 weeks....I feel very bitter. I would be 32 weeks today. Instead, I'm back at square one, possibly nine days pregnant but also very possibly not pregnant at all.
All those friends who got pregnant right around the same time as me are announcing they're 30 weeks, 34 weeks, 36 weeks....I feel very bitter. I would be 32 weeks today. Instead, I'm back at square one, possibly nine days pregnant but also very possibly not pregnant at all.
Friday, October 5, 2012
On the Edge
I've continued to visit the bathroom more than usual each day, I feel more fatigued than normal (fell asleep on the couch tonight at nine), and my breasts are sore. I'm going to test tomorrow, five days early. The wait is making me crazy. At least there's a chance of a positive result, as opposed to waiting and not knowing. Even if it's negative, I'll test every other day until I get visual confirmation of such.
As much as I hate not knowing, I also don't want to be disappointed. Although I know that's a big possibility. But technically I shouldn't expect disappointment because I'm supposed to have hope and faith in God to answer our prayers. Do you see how confusing this is?
I feel I've lived through enough heartbreak and disappointment to know not to only and always expect good things from God. He is sovereign, and He answers a lot of my prayers with, "no". I have faith that God's will will be done, but that doesn't mean it's going to be my will, too.
Here's to all things new come morning. Possibly.
As much as I hate not knowing, I also don't want to be disappointed. Although I know that's a big possibility. But technically I shouldn't expect disappointment because I'm supposed to have hope and faith in God to answer our prayers. Do you see how confusing this is?
I feel I've lived through enough heartbreak and disappointment to know not to only and always expect good things from God. He is sovereign, and He answers a lot of my prayers with, "no". I have faith that God's will will be done, but that doesn't mean it's going to be my will, too.
Here's to all things new come morning. Possibly.
Monday, October 1, 2012
How Should I Hope?
It's been less than a week into our wait, and I am already looking for signs I might be pregnant. I feel I can't help it--I want to hope so badly, but I also don't, because I don't want to be disappointed if I'm not.
As pathetic as it sounds, I've counted the times I've visited the bathroom today so far: eight. Most days, that number is four. Maybe, five.
Of course, what does that prove? Nothing. My silly little mind, reaching out to grasp at straws. I really don't like the two week wait. I just want to know, one way or the other. Still need to wait another eight days before I can check.
As pathetic as it sounds, I've counted the times I've visited the bathroom today so far: eight. Most days, that number is four. Maybe, five.
Of course, what does that prove? Nothing. My silly little mind, reaching out to grasp at straws. I really don't like the two week wait. I just want to know, one way or the other. Still need to wait another eight days before I can check.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Two Week Wait
We've entered the two week wait. Every time we think about it, we pray that God gives us a "healthy, living child". Last time we prayed to get pregnant, which wasn't enough. Somehow, I guess we feel that if we're more specific, we'll have a better outcome. It's weird and irrational...we know.
I wonder how long it will take to get pregnant again. Last time, we were pregnant our very first try. I can't imagine it will happen again, although I'd like to hope for it. How long will it take? How long should we try before getting concerned?
After my miscarriage, I prayed that if I was never going to have a healthy, living child, that God never let me conceive again. I'd rather have that than deal with more miscarriages.
I wonder how long it will take to get pregnant again. Last time, we were pregnant our very first try. I can't imagine it will happen again, although I'd like to hope for it. How long will it take? How long should we try before getting concerned?
After my miscarriage, I prayed that if I was never going to have a healthy, living child, that God never let me conceive again. I'd rather have that than deal with more miscarriages.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Second Try
September is our second attempt to conceive after losing Angel in May. I still hate seeing pregnant women and reading their Facebook posts. I think about how far along I would be right now (seven and a half months) and what I might look like and what our nursery might look like, and what our showers would have been like. No tears for a long time, but I still feel low if I think about it for a while.
A friend from our church small group is organizing a sort of "Christian women's infertility group" tonight. There are eight couples in our small group...three have children, one's not trying, and four of us have had a miscarriage or haven't conceived at all for 1-2 years. I told her I'd give it a try. Of course I'm hoping that, in 3 weeks, I'll find that I'm pregnant again. But I know it's never a given, even though we had such easy luck the first time around.
In other news, Josie is four months old tomorrow and just slightly less trouble than she was last month. She's 22lbs now! Jared is keeping busy at work, and I am prayerfully considering changing careers. Teaching assisting is not what it used to be, and it's only going to get worse. No one teaches for the money, but if you were GROSSING less than 25K AND you hated what you did....wouldn't you look elsewhere? Life's too short to hate what you do.
A friend from our church small group is organizing a sort of "Christian women's infertility group" tonight. There are eight couples in our small group...three have children, one's not trying, and four of us have had a miscarriage or haven't conceived at all for 1-2 years. I told her I'd give it a try. Of course I'm hoping that, in 3 weeks, I'll find that I'm pregnant again. But I know it's never a given, even though we had such easy luck the first time around.
In other news, Josie is four months old tomorrow and just slightly less trouble than she was last month. She's 22lbs now! Jared is keeping busy at work, and I am prayerfully considering changing careers. Teaching assisting is not what it used to be, and it's only going to get worse. No one teaches for the money, but if you were GROSSING less than 25K AND you hated what you did....wouldn't you look elsewhere? Life's too short to hate what you do.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A Most Probable Miss
Jared left yesterday afternoon...he will be back Thursday night, when it will be too late. I don't feel I'm obsessive over getting pregnant, but it helps me plot out my dates if I write about them. I'm bummed that this month is most likely a wash-out, but we will try again next month. It looks like my cycle will be 28-29 days. I hope that it will stay regular and trusty, like it was before everything.
Angel, I love you! You're in my heart and my thoughts...you'll never be forgotten. When I am pregnant again, and people ask if this is my first, I will tell them no. You were my baby, and I was so sad and sorry to have to say goodbye to you. Love you so much, sweetheart.
Angel, I love you! You're in my heart and my thoughts...you'll never be forgotten. When I am pregnant again, and people ask if this is my first, I will tell them no. You were my baby, and I was so sad and sorry to have to say goodbye to you. Love you so much, sweetheart.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Stuff
There's not much to update on our journey towards parenthood. Period was 4-5 days, a little shorter than what I was used to. Jared and I will try to work around his being away, and hope my cycle is a little shorter (or longer) than 29 days.
Josie, our puppy, is a lot of work. I knew she would be, but that doesn't make it better. I love it when she naps--it means I don't have to entertain her, scold her about biting things, listen to her bark or worry about her peeing in the house. I feel sure that I will love her when she's an adult, but I don't like everything that puppies entail.
Today is my Dad's birthday--we went to dinner with him this weekend and gave him his gifts. It was nice to see him, and Mom and my brother, who has just purchased his first home!
Today is also my first day of being tracked-out from my year-round school. Even with dealing with Josie, it beats a day in the classroom! I really needed this break.
Like I said, nothing of substance. Life is in those long, end of summer days where I try to soak in as much sunshine and warmth as possible, in some sort of effort not to freeze during the winter!
Josie, our puppy, is a lot of work. I knew she would be, but that doesn't make it better. I love it when she naps--it means I don't have to entertain her, scold her about biting things, listen to her bark or worry about her peeing in the house. I feel sure that I will love her when she's an adult, but I don't like everything that puppies entail.
Today is my Dad's birthday--we went to dinner with him this weekend and gave him his gifts. It was nice to see him, and Mom and my brother, who has just purchased his first home!
Today is also my first day of being tracked-out from my year-round school. Even with dealing with Josie, it beats a day in the classroom! I really needed this break.
Like I said, nothing of substance. Life is in those long, end of summer days where I try to soak in as much sunshine and warmth as possible, in some sort of effort not to freeze during the winter!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
New Start!
My period started today! It has been four months and a week since my miscarriage, and 24 days since I stopped bleeding. I felt such joy and relief when I found out. Now I can at least make a plan and start trying to conceive again. We should be able to try around the end of August.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Sunday Again
I should try to get away from only posting on Sundays. I haven't bled for fifteen days now. If things are going to be normal from now on, I would expect to start bleeding again by August 20th. It's hard to wait that out, because I'm not sure how much faith I can muster that God will allow my cycles to be normal. He hasn't given me a break yet.
He could've let us have our child, but I miscarried. He could've let the miscarriage be natural, but I needed pills. He could've let the pills work, but I needed a D&C. He could've let the D&C be complete and the bleeding stop after 2-3 weeks, but I bled for 9 weeks.
So here we are at the next "opportunity" for God to show me He is going to start blessing me again, instead of giving me pain. But if, every time you met a certain person, they struck you in the face, what would you start to expect from them after a while? I want to believe that God is turning His face back to me and will start blessing me again. But I can't bring myself to wholly expect it, because I have gone through so, so many dark things in the last three months.
He could've let us have our child, but I miscarried. He could've let the miscarriage be natural, but I needed pills. He could've let the pills work, but I needed a D&C. He could've let the D&C be complete and the bleeding stop after 2-3 weeks, but I bled for 9 weeks.
So here we are at the next "opportunity" for God to show me He is going to start blessing me again, instead of giving me pain. But if, every time you met a certain person, they struck you in the face, what would you start to expect from them after a while? I want to believe that God is turning His face back to me and will start blessing me again. But I can't bring myself to wholly expect it, because I have gone through so, so many dark things in the last three months.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Healing, At Last
It's Sunday again. I haven't bled in eight days. I find myself going to the bathroom without checking the toilet paper. It's been forever since I did that. I think, finally, that I am healing. I feel like the next bleeding will be a period, and then Jared and I can start trying again. I have started talking to God again and telling Him I want a restored relationship--for Him to come back to me, and for me to come back to Him. It's slow going.
Jared and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary on Thursday! He brought me roses and took me out to dinner. I got him a CD he asked for, and a gift card to Best Buy--his favorite store. We're just not the kind of people who need big, elaborate gifts.
On Friday, we got a puppy. Her name is Josie, and she's an English bulldog. We have been planning on getting her for a year and a half. Jared's never had a dog, but always wanted this particular breed. I had Ginger, who was a mutt. She was a great dog, and I hope Josie will be a great dog too. We're butting heads on house-training, currently.
I guess, all said and done, it's been a great week and I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm trying to go back to being more vocal in my talks with God about the good things He's done for me. But honestly, after all He has allowed me to go through, it's hard to go back to the way it was before.
Jared and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary on Thursday! He brought me roses and took me out to dinner. I got him a CD he asked for, and a gift card to Best Buy--his favorite store. We're just not the kind of people who need big, elaborate gifts.
On Friday, we got a puppy. Her name is Josie, and she's an English bulldog. We have been planning on getting her for a year and a half. Jared's never had a dog, but always wanted this particular breed. I had Ginger, who was a mutt. She was a great dog, and I hope Josie will be a great dog too. We're butting heads on house-training, currently.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Useless Update
At my appointment with the birth center last Tuesday, I had two exams that went fine, and blood work done. The blood work came back normal in every way. I also had an ultrasound on Saturday. The sonographer couldn't see a thing wrong with me--said she couldn't ask for a more perfect looking set set of ovaries and uterus. So there are still no answers.
I did stop bleeding last night and haven't really bled in the last 24 hours. But I'm not ready to say I'm healing. I stopped bleeding for five days at the beginning of this month, and then things got really bad. Maybe if I don't bleed for 10 days, I can say with certainty that I'm healing.
I cancelled my regular doctor's appointment on Friday where I was going to talk about anxiety. I guess I was hoping that I would be better soon on my own.
Tomorrow starts my second full week of kindergarten, and I've got to say, I'm not a fan. I've done three years of first grade assisting, and when I started kindergarten last year, I came in the middle of September, when the students all knew the rules and were familiar with the routine. When they come in at the beginning, they know nothing. I find myself very tired all day, all week. My patience runs thin. I loved first grade, but now the school system has changed it so that first grade assistants are paired with 2-3 teachers, instead of one. I've done that before and didn't like it at all. I'm not ready to look for something else, but I wouldn't shut the idea out entirely.
I did stop bleeding last night and haven't really bled in the last 24 hours. But I'm not ready to say I'm healing. I stopped bleeding for five days at the beginning of this month, and then things got really bad. Maybe if I don't bleed for 10 days, I can say with certainty that I'm healing.
I cancelled my regular doctor's appointment on Friday where I was going to talk about anxiety. I guess I was hoping that I would be better soon on my own.
Tomorrow starts my second full week of kindergarten, and I've got to say, I'm not a fan. I've done three years of first grade assisting, and when I started kindergarten last year, I came in the middle of September, when the students all knew the rules and were familiar with the routine. When they come in at the beginning, they know nothing. I find myself very tired all day, all week. My patience runs thin. I loved first grade, but now the school system has changed it so that first grade assistants are paired with 2-3 teachers, instead of one. I've done that before and didn't like it at all. I'm not ready to look for something else, but I wouldn't shut the idea out entirely.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
No Answers
Tomorrow, Wednesday, will be seven weeks since my D&C. I've bled for all but five days of that. It's been getting progressively worse since last Friday. Today at work, I was losing so much blood I felt light-headed, faint and a little dizzy. It's still not enough that I should go to the ER, but I seem to get closer each day.
I went to the birth center today. They did two exams, blood work, and will schedule me for an ultrasound later this week. I was told it could be one of three things: (1) this is my period (it's not because I'm not cramping at all and I have passed large, solid chunks of tissue), (2) my uterus is infected/inflamed (I'd need an antibiotic and then back to spotting until God knows when), (3) there is "retained product" (stuff left over) from the D&C in my uterus (this would require waiting it out, again, until God knows when, or going back into surgery for another D&C. And I will be damned if they get me back in there alive.)
So, my whole existence and outlook on life is one big "I don't know" right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how long it will take for me to heal. I don't know if I will heal. I don't know if God cares about me. I don't know if God is listening to me. I don't know if God will heal me. I don't know if I will ever be OK again.
I have been noticing some things about myself in the last few weeks. It's harder for me to make and maintain eye contact with others. I stutter in my sentences and say many words with the last letter first and the first letter last. Or, I say two words but they come out in the wrong order. My hands shake, and I grit my teeth and purse my lips all the time. I am going to my regular doctor on Friday to ask about anti-anxiety medication, to help me get through this. I hope that can lessen these issues.
I have no answers. I have next to no hope. If asked, I would say that the worst possible thing that could happen will prove to be what's happening, and I will probably never heal.
I went to the birth center today. They did two exams, blood work, and will schedule me for an ultrasound later this week. I was told it could be one of three things: (1) this is my period (it's not because I'm not cramping at all and I have passed large, solid chunks of tissue), (2) my uterus is infected/inflamed (I'd need an antibiotic and then back to spotting until God knows when), (3) there is "retained product" (stuff left over) from the D&C in my uterus (this would require waiting it out, again, until God knows when, or going back into surgery for another D&C. And I will be damned if they get me back in there alive.)
So, my whole existence and outlook on life is one big "I don't know" right now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how long it will take for me to heal. I don't know if I will heal. I don't know if God cares about me. I don't know if God is listening to me. I don't know if God will heal me. I don't know if I will ever be OK again.
I have been noticing some things about myself in the last few weeks. It's harder for me to make and maintain eye contact with others. I stutter in my sentences and say many words with the last letter first and the first letter last. Or, I say two words but they come out in the wrong order. My hands shake, and I grit my teeth and purse my lips all the time. I am going to my regular doctor on Friday to ask about anti-anxiety medication, to help me get through this. I hope that can lessen these issues.
I have no answers. I have next to no hope. If asked, I would say that the worst possible thing that could happen will prove to be what's happening, and I will probably never heal.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Even More Confused
Definitely not pregnant. Possibly infected. I've been too upset the past few days, so I called the Birth Center this morning and spoke to the midwife on call. I told her that I was having anxiety over the fact that I was still bleeding, and that I didn't know how much longer I could take this. She said it was "unusual" for me to be bleeding six weeks after a D&C and asked a few questions. She said it was good that I had no clots or heavy bleeding, and asked if I had a fever. I told her I didn't think so, but I hadn't checked. It got me thinking, though, that I had noticed my face seemed hot from about Wednesday on. She eventually told me to call back on Monday to book an appointment to be seen, and we hung up.
I went to take my temperature. I had a fever of 99.7. About 20 minutes later, I'm outside and feel this "gush". Run inside, and I'm streaming out bright red blood (no clots). Call the midwife back, she says as long as the fever's under 100.5 and I don't fill a pad in an hour, I'm okay. That the fever's probably from the cysts in my leg, and that the bleeding is probably my period. I hang up feeling pretty good about stuff. A little crampy, but satisfied that we're finally moving forward.
Fast forward 3 hours, and the red blood and the cramps are gone. We're back to brown spotting. The fever is supposedly gone, although I think my thermometers are faulty. There's no way I'm 98.1. So no, Ms. Midwife, this is not a period, yes I am still spotting from a D&C that was SIX AND A HALF WEEKS AGO and that fever is probably related to my reproductive health, not my cysts.
I am staring down an empty barrel that used to contain patience, hope and trust. Now I just feel neglected, ignored and permanently broken.
I went to take my temperature. I had a fever of 99.7. About 20 minutes later, I'm outside and feel this "gush". Run inside, and I'm streaming out bright red blood (no clots). Call the midwife back, she says as long as the fever's under 100.5 and I don't fill a pad in an hour, I'm okay. That the fever's probably from the cysts in my leg, and that the bleeding is probably my period. I hang up feeling pretty good about stuff. A little crampy, but satisfied that we're finally moving forward.
Fast forward 3 hours, and the red blood and the cramps are gone. We're back to brown spotting. The fever is supposedly gone, although I think my thermometers are faulty. There's no way I'm 98.1. So no, Ms. Midwife, this is not a period, yes I am still spotting from a D&C that was SIX AND A HALF WEEKS AGO and that fever is probably related to my reproductive health, not my cysts.
I am staring down an empty barrel that used to contain patience, hope and trust. Now I just feel neglected, ignored and permanently broken.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Small Disappointment
At this point, I'm 90% certain I'm not pregnant. I've continued to spot in brown and pink for five days. So, last week when I didn't bleed was just a temporary respite from my miscarriage bleeding, which has now continued another week. That means I bled for four weeks, got a week off, and have now finished out a fifth week of bleeding.
I don't know how many times I've asked, pled, begged, demanded that God would heal me. I know He is good, but it doesn't feel like it. I know He's with me, but it doesn't feel like it. I know He cares, but it doesn't feel like it.
It's too late today, but I'll call the Birth Center on Monday for some advice. I want nothing more in life than to get my period and then stop bleeding.
I don't know how many times I've asked, pled, begged, demanded that God would heal me. I know He is good, but it doesn't feel like it. I know He's with me, but it doesn't feel like it. I know He cares, but it doesn't feel like it.
It's too late today, but I'll call the Birth Center on Monday for some advice. I want nothing more in life than to get my period and then stop bleeding.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Wanderings
I wish I had a pregnancy test to take, but I know I wouldn't trust the results either way. I had what I thought (still think?) could have been implantation bleeding, but it's gone from being brown Sunday night to Tuesday night, to a larger amount of pink, and back to almost nothing. I've read that implantation bleeding doesn't take more than two days. Since it's been three now, my hope is fading.
Jared is in Florida this week. We vacationed in Charleston last Thursday-Sunday, which was so needed and so fun. Got home Sunday night, and mid-Monday, he was driving to Orlando for a worship conference. He's the sales rep for Kinetic Church, the church we belonged to when we lived in Charlotte. Jared should be back Saturday night, and I'm staying with my family until then. But there's not much to do, and I wind up with way too much time to ponder over my miscarriage, my job, my bills...it's not healthy. I find myself feeling very "down".
Jared has been feeling down, too. I didn't realize it, but he seems to have held everything inside of him while I was healing emotionally after the miscarriage. After he felt I was better, that's when he told me he felt depressed, and angry at God. I wish I had seen it and been able to help him. But I am trying to support and encourage him now, and helping him seek out others that he can talk with. I hope things are getting better for him now, too.
Jared is in Florida this week. We vacationed in Charleston last Thursday-Sunday, which was so needed and so fun. Got home Sunday night, and mid-Monday, he was driving to Orlando for a worship conference. He's the sales rep for Kinetic Church, the church we belonged to when we lived in Charlotte. Jared should be back Saturday night, and I'm staying with my family until then. But there's not much to do, and I wind up with way too much time to ponder over my miscarriage, my job, my bills...it's not healthy. I find myself feeling very "down".
Jared has been feeling down, too. I didn't realize it, but he seems to have held everything inside of him while I was healing emotionally after the miscarriage. After he felt I was better, that's when he told me he felt depressed, and angry at God. I wish I had seen it and been able to help him. But I am trying to support and encourage him now, and helping him seek out others that he can talk with. I hope things are getting better for him now, too.
The Cost of Care
I think I've now received all the hospital bills due to my miscarriage. In total, I owe $1800 to UNC. Since the experience was so terrible in the first place, it's rubbing salt and alcohol in my big, deep wounds.
We have less than $1500 to our name right now. I think I am going to pay $25 a month to the hospital, and $10 a month to the physicians. It's really all we can afford.
When I realized the total amount that I owe, my first thought was, "If I have a second miscarriage, I'd rather die than go to the hospital. I can afford that better." And I can't imagine that I am the only one who has ever had a variation of that thought. What does that say about our healthcare costs, when I'd rather die at home than go to the hospital? It makes me so angry and frustrated that I have no power to control the obscene costs of healthcare.
We have less than $1500 to our name right now. I think I am going to pay $25 a month to the hospital, and $10 a month to the physicians. It's really all we can afford.
When I realized the total amount that I owe, my first thought was, "If I have a second miscarriage, I'd rather die than go to the hospital. I can afford that better." And I can't imagine that I am the only one who has ever had a variation of that thought. What does that say about our healthcare costs, when I'd rather die at home than go to the hospital? It makes me so angry and frustrated that I have no power to control the obscene costs of healthcare.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Looking for Signs
I don't think about it for a little while, and then I dwell on it, and then back and forth again. I keep looking for the signs that I could be pregnant again: peeing constantly (yes, but could be because I'm drinking lots), sensitive breasts (yes, but could be for a number of reasons), fatigue (yes, but everything seems to cause fatigue). I get worried at every single twinge in my belly--hunger, fullness, gas--every little thing could be a very early miscarriage.
I'll be able to take a test next Saturday, I guess. I don't really know, since I'm not familar with my cycle anymore.
I'll be able to take a test next Saturday, I guess. I don't really know, since I'm not familar with my cycle anymore.
Monday, July 9, 2012
What's Going On?
More miscarriage talk for you. As stated before, my hGc (pregnancy hormones) have to drop down to 0 before my body realizes it needs to ovulate again and start my cycles. My levels were at 18 almost 2 weeks ago, and I would have expected them to be at 0 about....last Monday. I have no idea if ovulation is immediately afterward, or if it then takes 2 more weeks to ovulate. But I didn't bleed from last Monday through yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. And last night, I noticed some light pink spotting. It's gone tonight.
Possibility #1: I'm still bleeding from my miscarriage, which was NINE weeks ago. The D&C was six weeks ago.
Possibility #2 which, if true, I pray does not disappear when I speak it/type it: I'm having implementation bleeding. This is when an embryo attaches itself to the uterine wall. It usually happens 5-7 days after conception. Which does line up with my and Jared's intimacy. Which, if true, would mean I'm pregnant.
I don't even want to put any stock or hope into #2, in preparation for probable disappointment. But I did stop drinking wine and coffee and a regiment of antibiotics that I was on for two cysts in my leg.
There's no way to know and nothing to say or do, but it's still enough to lodge in my mind and keep me awake.
Possibility #1: I'm still bleeding from my miscarriage, which was NINE weeks ago. The D&C was six weeks ago.
Possibility #2 which, if true, I pray does not disappear when I speak it/type it: I'm having implementation bleeding. This is when an embryo attaches itself to the uterine wall. It usually happens 5-7 days after conception. Which does line up with my and Jared's intimacy. Which, if true, would mean I'm pregnant.
I don't even want to put any stock or hope into #2, in preparation for probable disappointment. But I did stop drinking wine and coffee and a regiment of antibiotics that I was on for two cysts in my leg.
There's no way to know and nothing to say or do, but it's still enough to lodge in my mind and keep me awake.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Beating the Heat
It's Tuesday today--starting last Friday, the temperature started hitting 100+ every day: 106, 105, 105, 101.... I think today through Thursday, it's "only" supposed to be 97. It actually reminds me a little of the daily heat and humidity Jared and I endured when we lived in China for six months. While it couldn't be called comfortable, we did start to get used to it.
Due to the heatwave, a couple of roads have buckled, I've seen many cars on the side of the road, and thousands of folks lose power briefly throughout the day.
I'm kinda proud with how Jared and I have dealt with the heat. It doesn't pack such a punch after being in China. We can walk around, get stuff done, and don't break a sweat for a while. We keep the thermostat up near 80 during the day, and drink plenty of water. I can understand how those not used to it are sweltering, but it's not so bad for us!
Tonight is Garner's 4th of July celebration at Lake Benson Park. We'll drive out and meet our friends from our church small group, and enjoy the NC Symphony's concert and fireworks. Tomorrow's the actual holiday, and Jared and I might go see a movie and then pack for our trip to Charleston. I've been looking forward to getting away, to having a reset. I hope that Jared will enjoy it, too.
Due to the heatwave, a couple of roads have buckled, I've seen many cars on the side of the road, and thousands of folks lose power briefly throughout the day.
I'm kinda proud with how Jared and I have dealt with the heat. It doesn't pack such a punch after being in China. We can walk around, get stuff done, and don't break a sweat for a while. We keep the thermostat up near 80 during the day, and drink plenty of water. I can understand how those not used to it are sweltering, but it's not so bad for us!
Tonight is Garner's 4th of July celebration at Lake Benson Park. We'll drive out and meet our friends from our church small group, and enjoy the NC Symphony's concert and fireworks. Tomorrow's the actual holiday, and Jared and I might go see a movie and then pack for our trip to Charleston. I've been looking forward to getting away, to having a reset. I hope that Jared will enjoy it, too.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Another's Sadness
One of my girlfriends in our church small group had a miscarriage last week. It was also her first, and she was about seven weeks along. She felt cramping and bleeding, went to the doctor, and started getting negative test results almost immediately. The doctor didn't see anything at all on the ultrasound, which makes me think hers was a blighted ovum. This is when the gestational sac develops, but the baby never does. Her body finally realized it and she had a complete miscarriage with no intervention.
I'm sad for her and jealous at the same time. Sad that she is experiencing this pain and sadness, this loss. But jealous that her body did everything right and she's all done, after less than a week.
I'm at 4.5 weeks after D&C, 6 weeks since we found out and 8.5 weeks since the actual miscarriage. And I'm still bleeding. I did finally get a negative test result, and my blood work from this past week came back, saying my hormone level is at 18. Two weeks before, it was at 60, so I hope to be at 0 by this coming Wednesday or Thursday. I want to go back to a normal cycle so badly. I have been more than patient in this. God, I need you to hurry up and heal me.
I'm sad for her and jealous at the same time. Sad that she is experiencing this pain and sadness, this loss. But jealous that her body did everything right and she's all done, after less than a week.
I'm at 4.5 weeks after D&C, 6 weeks since we found out and 8.5 weeks since the actual miscarriage. And I'm still bleeding. I did finally get a negative test result, and my blood work from this past week came back, saying my hormone level is at 18. Two weeks before, it was at 60, so I hope to be at 0 by this coming Wednesday or Thursday. I want to go back to a normal cycle so badly. I have been more than patient in this. God, I need you to hurry up and heal me.
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Other Half
Jared's process of grief has been much slower than mine. Once we found out, I was numb for 1-2 hours and then unable to function in society for the rest of that day and the next. I took that time to be in denial, to be angry at God, to be inconsolably weepy, and then to receive comfort from friends, family and eventually, God. That week got a little better, a little easier to go on, each day.
At this point, 5 weeks to the day after we found out about the miscarriage, I feel fully functional and at peace. I feel like I have gained closure and that my relationship with God and Jared have been stretched, but both have grown stronger. Every once in a while, I will see something or remember something and a wave of grief will come over me and I cry. I can't wait to stop bleeding from the D&C, to get my period, and then to start working on getting pregnant again. But at the same time, I am apprehensive about getting pregnant again--I won't ever be able to fully enjoy pregnancy again, because I'll be worried if something is going to go wrong.
Jared is, just now, angry at God and feeling distant from Him. He feels despair and great sadness, and has close to zero desire to start working to get pregnant again. As there is No Normal in the grief process, I support him in wherever he happens to be and however long it takes him to work through things. I've encouraged him to read in his Bible individually, tell God how he feels, and talk to some of the husbands who've been part of a miscarriage. Obviously, I can't make it better for him, but what I hope is to just be a helper for him, a comfort and a friend who can make this just a little more bearable.
At this point, 5 weeks to the day after we found out about the miscarriage, I feel fully functional and at peace. I feel like I have gained closure and that my relationship with God and Jared have been stretched, but both have grown stronger. Every once in a while, I will see something or remember something and a wave of grief will come over me and I cry. I can't wait to stop bleeding from the D&C, to get my period, and then to start working on getting pregnant again. But at the same time, I am apprehensive about getting pregnant again--I won't ever be able to fully enjoy pregnancy again, because I'll be worried if something is going to go wrong.
Jared is, just now, angry at God and feeling distant from Him. He feels despair and great sadness, and has close to zero desire to start working to get pregnant again. As there is No Normal in the grief process, I support him in wherever he happens to be and however long it takes him to work through things. I've encouraged him to read in his Bible individually, tell God how he feels, and talk to some of the husbands who've been part of a miscarriage. Obviously, I can't make it better for him, but what I hope is to just be a helper for him, a comfort and a friend who can make this just a little more bearable.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Lost It
Just opened up the mail, had a "explanation of benefits" letter from my health insurance. At the bottom, it said, "covered by global maternity network". And I lost it. Squatting in the kitchen, balancing by holding the refrigerator handle, and sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
This is what normal looks like to someone who's experienced a miscarriage.
This is what normal looks like to someone who's experienced a miscarriage.
Waiting to Move on
It's been three weeks since my D&C surgery. It's been 4.5 weeks since we found out about the miscarriage. It's been six weeks since the actual miscarriage. Part of me feels like it's been ages, and part of me feels like it's still brand new information.
I am still bleeding.
I'm involved this week with our church's version of Vacation Bible School, and yesterday I did a monologue of the woman who had been bleeding inside for twelve years, who was healed by touching Jesus' robes. On the inside, I sort of hoped for a miracle, that God would dry up my bleeding as I did my monologue, pretending to be someone that it actually happened to.
I am so, so tired of being reminded of my grief and loss every time I go to the bathroom. I just want to be better. I just want to be permitted to complete my healing.
And I want the world to know that this is Okay. It is okay for me to not be alright. It is okay for me to continue grieving, more than a month later. This child was alive, and it died. That is an aching loss that will take more than just a surgery and a few weeks' time.
I have kept very busy these last few weeks--various doctor appointments, visiting friends, preparing for a large party this weekend, VBS, end-of-school-year stuff. Part of this is a help, because it keeps my mind from dwelling on the sadness. But the other part is that I feel too busy, like the margin in my life is gone and I'm living in a continual crisis-mode. And that wears me down, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Angel, I miss you. I love you so much.
I am still bleeding.
I'm involved this week with our church's version of Vacation Bible School, and yesterday I did a monologue of the woman who had been bleeding inside for twelve years, who was healed by touching Jesus' robes. On the inside, I sort of hoped for a miracle, that God would dry up my bleeding as I did my monologue, pretending to be someone that it actually happened to.
I am so, so tired of being reminded of my grief and loss every time I go to the bathroom. I just want to be better. I just want to be permitted to complete my healing.
And I want the world to know that this is Okay. It is okay for me to not be alright. It is okay for me to continue grieving, more than a month later. This child was alive, and it died. That is an aching loss that will take more than just a surgery and a few weeks' time.
I have kept very busy these last few weeks--various doctor appointments, visiting friends, preparing for a large party this weekend, VBS, end-of-school-year stuff. Part of this is a help, because it keeps my mind from dwelling on the sadness. But the other part is that I feel too busy, like the margin in my life is gone and I'm living in a continual crisis-mode. And that wears me down, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Angel, I miss you. I love you so much.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Lapse
Faith in Things Unseen feels like it was a lot easier to keep up with--probably because there was actual, exciting things to report and document. These days, I'm waiting to stop spotting and for my hgc levels to go back down to 0. Right now they're at 60, meaning my body is taking its sweet time figuring out that I'm not pregnant anymore. The longer it takes to get my hormones down to 0, the longer it'll take for my body to start doing things normally, the longer it'll take me to get a period again, and the longer it'll take for Jared and me to start trying again. If I were to stop spotting tomorrow, it'd still be 3-4 weeks before a period started, and 7 weeks before we could try (hoping my cycle is still the normal 28 days).
I'm getting conflicting information about trying again so early, though. One midwife told me that fertility is higher in the first three months after miscarriage and the chances of miscarrying again are lower during that time. A second midwife told me that one should wait 2-4 months after miscarriage to start trying again, saying that fertility is higher/chance of miscarriage is lower AFTER three months. Information on the internet is across the board, so I have no idea what's best.
Life is hard right now, and a little depressing. Jared likes his new job (been there three months now) but the newness has worn off. He just got a new car, but payments are due and the accounts are stretched. I've got two weeks left of a school year that just doesn't seem to quit. Every day, I feel like I'm busy "doing stuff" instead of doing some actual living. Family is being a little difficult right now. And hovering in the back of my mind is Angel. No one talks about it anymore. No one asks me how I'm doing now. It's still been less than a month.
I feel like pregnancy loss should be given more respect. Even if that baby never breathed, they still lived, and they still died. Mothers of angel babies should be given the time and sympathy to mourn and grieve out these losses just like if a spouse or parent or living child had died. While I do want to move on with my life, I don't ever want to forget Angel, and I never want anyone else to forget her either.
I'm getting conflicting information about trying again so early, though. One midwife told me that fertility is higher in the first three months after miscarriage and the chances of miscarrying again are lower during that time. A second midwife told me that one should wait 2-4 months after miscarriage to start trying again, saying that fertility is higher/chance of miscarriage is lower AFTER three months. Information on the internet is across the board, so I have no idea what's best.
Life is hard right now, and a little depressing. Jared likes his new job (been there three months now) but the newness has worn off. He just got a new car, but payments are due and the accounts are stretched. I've got two weeks left of a school year that just doesn't seem to quit. Every day, I feel like I'm busy "doing stuff" instead of doing some actual living. Family is being a little difficult right now. And hovering in the back of my mind is Angel. No one talks about it anymore. No one asks me how I'm doing now. It's still been less than a month.
I feel like pregnancy loss should be given more respect. Even if that baby never breathed, they still lived, and they still died. Mothers of angel babies should be given the time and sympathy to mourn and grieve out these losses just like if a spouse or parent or living child had died. While I do want to move on with my life, I don't ever want to forget Angel, and I never want anyone else to forget her either.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Baby Envy
I have eleven Facebook friends who either just had a baby or are pregnant now. And it is HARD. I didn't expect the jealousy and bitterness I feel towards these girls--I'd always been happy for them and their accomplishments, marriages, etc. But now that they are pregnant/a mom, I almost want to unsubscribe from them so that I don't hear anything about it. And it kills me when they complain. "My morning sickness is so bad today!" "Baby didn't let us sleep at all last night!" The socially unacceptable part of me wants to tell them, "You HAVE morning sickness. Be grateful." "You HAVE a baby keeping you awake. Be thankful." But I say nothing. I'd rather not even offer a congratulations, because it would be completely fake. I can't find it in myself to be genuinely happy for these girls.
I went to a baby shower yesterday for one of my friends--a woman who's a little different than what I've been writing about. I met her when she was already pregnant. And when she found out that I was pregnant, she immediately came alongside me to offer support and advice. I felt like she was the mother duck to my duckling, in a comforting and warm sort of way. And when she found out about my miscarriage, she was even more present, calling me daily to check on me and telling me how I was loved and prayed for. For her, I can honestly be happy. But, three of the other attendees were pregnant, and talking about when they were due and all the plans they had. I was seated next to another friend, one who's had a short history of miscarrying and infertility. I whispered to her, "This is hard." And she whispered back, "Me too."
I have to assume this is normal, and that it will ease with time. I'm sure it will dissipate once I'm pregnant again.
My follow-up appointment is Wednesday at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center, where I was making plans to have my own birth. I hope to get a good report, and that my period will come back quickly and be regular, and that Jared and I can start trying again. The goal is to be pregnant by September.
I went to a baby shower yesterday for one of my friends--a woman who's a little different than what I've been writing about. I met her when she was already pregnant. And when she found out that I was pregnant, she immediately came alongside me to offer support and advice. I felt like she was the mother duck to my duckling, in a comforting and warm sort of way. And when she found out about my miscarriage, she was even more present, calling me daily to check on me and telling me how I was loved and prayed for. For her, I can honestly be happy. But, three of the other attendees were pregnant, and talking about when they were due and all the plans they had. I was seated next to another friend, one who's had a short history of miscarrying and infertility. I whispered to her, "This is hard." And she whispered back, "Me too."
I have to assume this is normal, and that it will ease with time. I'm sure it will dissipate once I'm pregnant again.
My follow-up appointment is Wednesday at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center, where I was making plans to have my own birth. I hope to get a good report, and that my period will come back quickly and be regular, and that Jared and I can start trying again. The goal is to be pregnant by September.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
I've had a miscarriage.
I'll be bluntly honest from the start--it's been a week since I had to have a dilation and curettage surgery to complete my miscarriage of Jared's and my first baby. I was ten and a half weeks pregnant when the heart stopped. A week and a half later, we went in for our first ultrasound, suspecting nothing. Our hearts were shattered, hopes dashed and our faith in God taken on a roller coaster ride.
But in the two and a half weeks since we found out, Jared and I have been, as strange as it sounds, blessed. We immediately started growing closer as a couple, supporting each other instead of blaming each other. We received so much love and so many prayers from friends and family, far and near. Many women told me about their own miscarriage experiences. And eventually, Jared and I found that our faith in God, while tested, grew stronger and we learned to walk even closer with Him. And I can honestly say that I have closure--I think about my pregnancy and Angel (we don't know if it was girl or boy, but they're an Angel now) in passing, perhaps once a day. But I don't dwell on it, and I don't feel overly sad anymore. And I'm not ashamed of it.
I kept a blog of the whole pregnancy and grieving process, and to streamline, here's a link to Faith in Things Unseen. I had kept the blog secret until we told everyone the pregnancy news, which was about the same time Angel passed away, unbeknownst to us. I like to blog and, since Jared and I are going to start trying again very soon, I didn't want to continue on a public blog. So, here we are.
I explained in great detail why we chose to call our first blog Faith in Things Unseen. Little did I know how applicable that title would become. Our new blog is titled, "All Things New". It doesn't seem to need that much of an explanation, but it does have roots. There's a song that I've been listening to a lot by Steven Curtis Chapman. His young daughter was killed four years to the day that we found out about our miscarriage. The song is "Beauty Will Rise" and talks about how God restores us after suffering and loss.
Continuing on "all things new", I am reminded of Revelations 21:5, where God declares, "I am making all things new!" And again in Deuteronomy 30: "God, your God, will restore everything you lost; He'll have compassion on you." And I think of Psalm 71:20: "Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth, You will again bring me up."
Jared and I hold onto these promises from God and believe what He say. His Word is true--He does not lie.
Angel, we know that one day, we will meet you in Heaven. We will miss you until then, and we will love you forever.
But in the two and a half weeks since we found out, Jared and I have been, as strange as it sounds, blessed. We immediately started growing closer as a couple, supporting each other instead of blaming each other. We received so much love and so many prayers from friends and family, far and near. Many women told me about their own miscarriage experiences. And eventually, Jared and I found that our faith in God, while tested, grew stronger and we learned to walk even closer with Him. And I can honestly say that I have closure--I think about my pregnancy and Angel (we don't know if it was girl or boy, but they're an Angel now) in passing, perhaps once a day. But I don't dwell on it, and I don't feel overly sad anymore. And I'm not ashamed of it.
I kept a blog of the whole pregnancy and grieving process, and to streamline, here's a link to Faith in Things Unseen. I had kept the blog secret until we told everyone the pregnancy news, which was about the same time Angel passed away, unbeknownst to us. I like to blog and, since Jared and I are going to start trying again very soon, I didn't want to continue on a public blog. So, here we are.
I explained in great detail why we chose to call our first blog Faith in Things Unseen. Little did I know how applicable that title would become. Our new blog is titled, "All Things New". It doesn't seem to need that much of an explanation, but it does have roots. There's a song that I've been listening to a lot by Steven Curtis Chapman. His young daughter was killed four years to the day that we found out about our miscarriage. The song is "Beauty Will Rise" and talks about how God restores us after suffering and loss.
Continuing on "all things new", I am reminded of Revelations 21:5, where God declares, "I am making all things new!" And again in Deuteronomy 30: "God, your God, will restore everything you lost; He'll have compassion on you." And I think of Psalm 71:20: "Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth, You will again bring me up."
Jared and I hold onto these promises from God and believe what He say. His Word is true--He does not lie.
Angel, we know that one day, we will meet you in Heaven. We will miss you until then, and we will love you forever.
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