No Answers

Tomorrow, Wednesday, will be seven weeks since my D&C.  I've bled for all but five days of that.  It's been getting progressively worse since last Friday.  Today at work, I was losing so much blood I felt light-headed, faint and a little dizzy.  It's still not enough that I should go to the ER, but I seem to get closer each day.

I went to the birth center today.  They did two exams, blood work, and will schedule me for an ultrasound later this week.  I was told it could be one of three things: (1) this is my period (it's not because I'm not cramping at all and I have passed large, solid chunks of tissue), (2) my uterus is infected/inflamed (I'd need an antibiotic and then back to spotting until God knows when), (3) there is "retained product" (stuff left over) from the D&C in my uterus (this would require waiting it out, again, until God knows when, or going back into surgery for another D&C.  And I will be damned if they get me back in there alive.)

So, my whole existence and outlook on life is one big "I don't know" right now.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know how long it will take for me to heal.  I don't know if I will heal.  I don't know if God cares about me.  I don't know if God is listening to me.  I don't know if God will heal me.  I don't know if I will ever be OK again.

I have been noticing some things about myself in the last few weeks.  It's harder for me to make and maintain eye contact with others.  I stutter in my sentences and say many words with the last letter first and the first letter last.  Or, I say two words but they come out in the wrong order.  My hands shake, and I grit my teeth and purse my lips all the time.  I am going to my regular doctor on Friday to ask about anti-anxiety medication, to help me get through this.  I hope that can lessen these issues.

I have no answers.  I have next to no hope.  If asked, I would say that the worst possible thing that could happen will prove to be what's happening, and I will probably never heal.