On the Edge

I've continued to visit the bathroom more than usual each day, I feel more fatigued than normal (fell asleep on the couch tonight at nine), and my breasts are sore.  I'm going to test tomorrow, five days early.  The wait is making me crazy.  At least there's a chance of a positive result, as opposed to waiting and not knowing.  Even if it's negative, I'll test every other day until I get visual confirmation of such.

As much as I hate not knowing, I also don't want to be disappointed.  Although I know that's a big possibility.  But technically I shouldn't expect disappointment because I'm supposed to have hope and faith in God to answer our prayers.  Do you see how confusing this is?

I feel I've lived through enough heartbreak and disappointment to know not to only and always expect good things from God.  He is sovereign, and He answers a lot of my prayers with, "no".  I have faith that God's will will be done, but that doesn't mean it's going to be my will, too.

Here's to all things new come morning.  Possibly.  

No Answers

Tomorrow, Wednesday, will be seven weeks since my D&C.  I've bled for all but five days of that.  It's been getting progressively worse since last Friday.  Today at work, I was losing so much blood I felt light-headed, faint and a little dizzy.  It's still not enough that I should go to the ER, but I seem to get closer each day.

I went to the birth center today.  They did two exams, blood work, and will schedule me for an ultrasound later this week.  I was told it could be one of three things: (1) this is my period (it's not because I'm not cramping at all and I have passed large, solid chunks of tissue), (2) my uterus is infected/inflamed (I'd need an antibiotic and then back to spotting until God knows when), (3) there is "retained product" (stuff left over) from the D&C in my uterus (this would require waiting it out, again, until God knows when, or going back into surgery for another D&C.  And I will be damned if they get me back in there alive.)

So, my whole existence and outlook on life is one big "I don't know" right now.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know how long it will take for me to heal.  I don't know if I will heal.  I don't know if God cares about me.  I don't know if God is listening to me.  I don't know if God will heal me.  I don't know if I will ever be OK again.

I have been noticing some things about myself in the last few weeks.  It's harder for me to make and maintain eye contact with others.  I stutter in my sentences and say many words with the last letter first and the first letter last.  Or, I say two words but they come out in the wrong order.  My hands shake, and I grit my teeth and purse my lips all the time.  I am going to my regular doctor on Friday to ask about anti-anxiety medication, to help me get through this.  I hope that can lessen these issues.

I have no answers.  I have next to no hope.  If asked, I would say that the worst possible thing that could happen will prove to be what's happening, and I will probably never heal.

Even More Confused

Definitely not pregnant.  Possibly infected.  I've been too upset the past few days, so I called the Birth Center this morning and spoke to the midwife on call.  I told her that I was having anxiety over the fact that I was still bleeding, and that I didn't know how much longer I could take this.  She said it was "unusual" for me to be bleeding six weeks after a D&C and asked a few questions.  She said it was good that I had no clots or heavy bleeding, and asked if I had a fever.  I told her I didn't think so, but I hadn't checked.  It got me thinking, though, that I had noticed my face seemed hot from about Wednesday on.  She eventually told me to call back on Monday to book an appointment to be seen, and we hung up.

I went to take my temperature.  I had a fever of 99.7.  About 20 minutes later, I'm outside and feel this "gush".  Run inside, and I'm streaming out bright red blood (no clots).  Call the midwife back, she says as long as the fever's under 100.5 and I don't fill a pad in an hour, I'm okay.  That the fever's probably from the cysts in my leg, and that the bleeding is probably my period.  I hang up feeling pretty good about stuff.  A little crampy, but satisfied that we're finally moving forward.

Fast forward 3 hours, and the red blood and the cramps are gone.  We're back to brown spotting.  The fever is supposedly gone, although I think my thermometers are faulty.  There's no way I'm 98.1.  So no, Ms. Midwife, this is not a period, yes I am still spotting from a D&C that was SIX AND A HALF WEEKS AGO and that fever is probably related to my reproductive health, not my cysts.

I am staring down an empty barrel that used to contain patience, hope and trust.  Now I just feel neglected, ignored and permanently broken.

Looking for Signs

I don't think about it for a little while, and then I dwell on it, and then back and forth again.  I keep looking for the signs that I could be pregnant again: peeing constantly (yes, but could be because I'm drinking lots), sensitive breasts (yes, but could be for a number of reasons), fatigue (yes, but everything seems to cause fatigue).  I get worried at every single twinge in my belly--hunger, fullness, gas--every little thing could be a very early miscarriage. 

I'll be able to take a test next Saturday, I guess.  I don't really know, since I'm not familar with my cycle anymore. 

What's Going On?

More miscarriage talk for you.  As stated before, my hGc (pregnancy hormones) have to drop down to 0 before my body realizes it needs to ovulate again and start my cycles.  My levels were at 18 almost 2 weeks ago, and I would have expected them to be at 0 about....last Monday.  I have no idea if ovulation is immediately afterward, or if it then takes 2 more weeks to ovulate.  But I didn't bleed from last Monday through yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.  And last night, I noticed some light pink spotting.  It's gone tonight.

Possibility #1: I'm still bleeding from my miscarriage, which was NINE weeks ago.  The D&C was six weeks ago.

Possibility #2 which, if true, I pray does not disappear when I speak it/type it: I'm having implementation bleeding.  This is when an embryo attaches itself to the uterine wall.  It usually happens 5-7 days after conception.  Which does line up with my and Jared's intimacy.  Which, if true, would mean I'm pregnant.

I don't even want to put any stock or hope into #2, in preparation for probable disappointment.  But I did stop drinking wine and coffee and a regiment of antibiotics that I was on for two cysts in my leg.

There's no way to know and nothing to say or do, but it's still enough to lodge in my mind and keep me awake.