Baby Envy

I have eleven Facebook friends who either just had a baby or are pregnant now.  And it is HARD.  I didn't expect the jealousy and bitterness I feel towards these girls--I'd always been happy for them and their accomplishments, marriages, etc.  But now that they are pregnant/a mom, I almost want to unsubscribe from them so that I don't hear anything about it.  And it kills me when they complain.  "My morning sickness is so bad today!" "Baby didn't let us sleep at all last night!"  The socially unacceptable part of me wants to tell them, "You HAVE morning sickness.  Be grateful." "You HAVE a baby keeping you awake.  Be thankful."  But I say nothing.  I'd rather not even offer a congratulations, because it would be completely fake.  I can't find it in myself to be genuinely happy for these girls.  

I went to a baby shower yesterday for one of my friends--a woman who's a little different than what I've been writing about.  I met her when she was already pregnant.  And when she found out that I was pregnant, she immediately came alongside me to offer support and advice.  I felt like she was the mother duck to my duckling, in a comforting and warm sort of way.  And when she found out about my miscarriage, she was even more present, calling me daily to check on me and telling me how I was loved and prayed for.  For her, I can honestly be happy.  But, three of the other attendees were pregnant, and talking about when they were due and all the plans they had.  I was seated next to another friend, one who's had a short history of miscarrying and infertility.  I whispered to her, "This is hard."  And she whispered back, "Me too."

I have to assume this is normal, and that it will ease with time.  I'm sure it will dissipate once I'm pregnant again.

My follow-up appointment is Wednesday at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center, where I was making plans to have my own birth.  I hope to get a good report, and that my period will come back quickly and be regular, and that Jared and I can start trying again.  The goal is to be pregnant by September.