Lapse

Faith in Things Unseen feels like it was a lot easier to keep up with--probably because there was actual, exciting things to report and document.  These days, I'm waiting to stop spotting and for my hgc levels to go back down to 0.  Right now they're at 60, meaning my body is taking its sweet time figuring out that I'm not pregnant anymore.  The longer it takes to get my hormones down to 0, the longer it'll take for my body to start doing things normally, the longer it'll take me to get a period again, and the longer it'll take for Jared and me to start trying again.  If I were to stop spotting tomorrow, it'd still be 3-4 weeks before a period started, and 7 weeks before we could try (hoping my cycle is still the normal 28 days).

I'm getting conflicting information about trying again so early, though.  One midwife told me that fertility is higher in the first three months after miscarriage and the chances of miscarrying again are lower during that time.  A second midwife told me that one should wait 2-4 months after miscarriage to start trying again, saying that fertility is higher/chance of miscarriage is lower AFTER three months.  Information on the internet is across the board, so I have no idea what's best.

Life is hard right now, and a little depressing.  Jared likes his new job (been there three months now) but the newness has worn off.  He just got a new car, but payments are due and the accounts are stretched.  I've got two weeks left of a school year that just doesn't seem to quit.  Every day, I feel like I'm busy "doing stuff" instead of doing some actual living.  Family is being a little difficult right now.  And hovering in the back of my mind is Angel.  No one talks about it anymore.  No one asks me how I'm doing now.  It's still been less than a month.

I feel like pregnancy loss should be given more respect.  Even if that baby never breathed, they still lived, and they still died.  Mothers of angel babies should be given the time and sympathy to mourn and grieve out these losses just like if a spouse or parent or living child had died.  While I do want to move on with my life, I don't ever want to forget Angel, and I never want anyone else to forget her either.