Not As Old As First Thought

Peanut, we thought you were older than you are!  The ultrasound technician measured you today and said you would be six weeks tomorrow.  We thought you would be seven full weeks today!

This is not a cause for worry, yet.  I did ovulate 3-4 days late, so I knew that would push me off by a little.

We did get to hear your heartbeat, which was going at 105 beats a minute.  This is good for almost six weeks.

You are due on June 27th now, not June 19th.  That's OK, as long as you come out healthy and living.

Jared and I feel happy and relieved, for now.  We are thanking God that He is with us and He is letting Peanut grow and be healthy.  It will be another 5-6 weeks before my appointment at the Birth Center, and then another ultrasound.  We will tell family and friends in two weeks!

We love you very much.

Choose

Tomorrow morning is the first of several milestones.  I have to consciously choose not to worry about it.  Worry is a detriment and unhealthy.  It does no good, only harm.  And yet, don't we cling to it?  Don't you catch yourself in your thoughts, being caught up by whatever happens to be wrong at that given moment?  It's such a difficult thing to let go of.  I am trying so hard to be positive and to trust that God is actually going to bless us with a healthy, living child this time.

Telling Connect Group

Tonight, we told our church connect group our news.  There are three other women in our group who are having bumps in the road to parenthood, and I wrote them an email last night, letting them know ahead of time.  Tonight, when everyone had arrived, Jared blurted out, "hey everyone, we have an announcement, we're pregnant!"  And, there were congratulations, and the group prayed for us as well.  We tried to make it low-key, mostly being sensitive for the women who are going through a rough patch.

So now our coworkers know, and our connect group knows.  We have our ultrasound in less than 36 hours, and then we tell family on November 11, call friends November 12, and tell Facebook after that.  I am already chomping at the bit to be out of this first trimester....I want to breathe a little easier and not worry so much!

4 More Days

I've been better today and yesterday about not worrying so much.  If something's already happened, then worrying about it won't fix it.  If everything is fine, then there's nothing to worry about.  Either way, worrying doesn't do anything but harm.

Tomorrow afternoon, I'll send an email to the ladies in my church connect group that have also had trouble conceiving.  I'd like them to know in a more indirect way before we tell everyone face to face on Monday night.

Four days until our ultrasound....

Start of Week Seven

Peanut, you are six full weeks and starting the seventh.  This week, you will grow to 10,000 times bigger than you were at conception--about the size of a blueberry.  You are generating about 100 brain cells a minute.  Your arm and leg buds are forming and dividing into their segments.  Your mouth and tongue are forming.  And, your kidneys are in place.  We love you very much.

Peanut, an idea wormed its way inside my head a few days ago and refuses to budge.  I am terrified that you may be a blighted ovum, and not a viable, healthy pregnancy.

During my last pregnancy, I started getting morning sickness on the first day of my seventh week.  I also was getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and visiting the bathroom 5-6 times while at work.  My breasts were so sore I could hardly shower, and I was exhausted to the point of silliness.

This time, I have no morning sickness, only visit the bathroom 2 times at work, maybe 5 times over a day, my breasts are vaguely sore but nothing terrible, and I am pretty tired.

This lack of symptoms worries me greatly.  I would rather be sick as a dog, morning and night, and know that things were progressing fine...than to feel fine and worry incessantly like this.  I have a whole week to fail at not dwelling on this until my ultrasound, where I guess I'll find out one way or the other.

I want to have faith, but doubt yells so much louder for my attention.

Signed Up

I called UNC again this morning and they scheduled me for an ultrasound next Wednesday.  If I had the "perfect" 28 day cycle, I'd be seven weeks that day, but I know I ovulated about three days late, so I may only be 6.5 weeks when I go in.  I am already nervous.

People ask me how I'm feeling, and I say I wish I felt worse, so that I'd know everything was going well.  As it is, I've had no morning sickness, no obvious bloat.  My breasts are tender but not achy, I'm tired but not WOW tired, and I visit the bathroom more, but not the ridiculous number of times like my last pregnancy.

Jared and I pray every day, usually multiple times, for this baby to be healthy and living.  I am scared to run, get mad, drink coffee, lift anything more than a book, accidentally eat something I shouldn't....I worry that anything could cause me to lose this child.  I think I will feel a little better if I can see that he/she's doing okay at seven weeks.

Always with the Waiting

Over the weekend, I had some throbbing, pulling, and cramping in my abdomen, and it was all I could do to wait until the Birth Center opened this morning to call and tell them about it.  They asked a few questions and, though they did cite a legitimate reason for such feelings, I told them I'd feel better if I had an ultrasound.  They understood and said they would call UNC to ask them to schedule me.  They said I'd need to wait until I'm seven full weeks (next Wednesday, the 31st) for a better chance to actually see the baby and their heartbeat.  On top of that long (to me) wait, I didn't get a call from UNC at all today.  The Birth Center faxed over my information late in the day, around 3:30, and I called them at 4:30, but they had already closed up shop.  I really do hate that, when companies say they're open until 5:00, but you call at 4:30 and a robot answers.  I hope I can get in first thing in the morning next Wednesday.

To Sonogram or Not to Sonogram?

On my first blog, Faith in Things Unseen, I mention not feeling much in the sixth week.  I noted that my breasts were larger and sore; I was tired and "a tad less patient".  This time around, my sixth week started on Wednesday and I feel the same.  Nothing huge, nothing concrete--the only way I really know I'm pregnant is because the at home tests tell me so.

Last time, not feeling anything was okay, because I believed everything would go perfectly.  This time, I know that "perfect" is far from a given.  My first appointment with the Birth Center isn't until the end of November, six weeks away.  I just don't feel I can wait that long to know that Peanut is doing okay.  I really want to see him/her and get someone with a PhD to tell me everything looks great.

I think I will call on Monday and see if they can see me for blood work and maybe even an ultrasound within two weeks.  Also, if possible, I'd like to move the current appointment up a week so it'll be before Thanksgiving, when we tell family.  

Telling the Coworkers, and Week 6

I managed to cajole Jared into sending me flowers at work today, as a way to tell my coworkers at school.  The flowers arrived after lunch and our secretary brought them down to me.  I showed them off, and it took everyone a couple turns of the wheels in their heads to figure out what was what.  But when they did, everyone was happy for me and gave congratulations.  

Today is the first day of your sixth week, Peanut.  You measure a 1/5 to a 1/4 of an inch, about the size of a regular nail head.  Your jaws, cheeks and chin are forming.  Your ears, eyes and nose are beginning to form. And your lungs, liver and kidneys are starting to take shape.  Your heart beats 80 times a minute and gets faster daily.  We love you very much.

I have to say, Jared and I find it much more difficult to be excited about this pregnancy.  We were so naive our first time--nothing bad could ever happen to us, we thought.  We skipped any readings on miscarriage and anything else that could go wrong.  We daydreamed and talked about Angel (then Jellybean) on a daily basis.  We came to an agreement on names and were starting to think about how we wanted to decorate her room.  And then, everything crashed.

So this time, without really wanting to be, we are much more cautious.  I reached a point of frustration last night and cried to Jared that it almost felt we were ignoring the fact I was pregnant.  He's been much better since then.  I don't want to live out my pregnancy just "waiting to lose the baby".  It's not a good use of time or energy.

But I am nervous.  At six weeks last time, things were fine.  At seven, morning sickness came, and three weeks later, Angel died, of no apparent cause.  I want to believe things will be different this time--I have to, if I want to keep my wits.  And yet, I am nervous all the time.  

Deciding When to Tell

We have an interesting conundrum.  Originally, Jared and I wanted to share our baby news at Thanksgiving, since we see both families that day.  But, then we thought that there were too many similarities to last time.  I would be sharing the news at 10 weeks, like last time, and THEN having the heartbeat appointment at 11 weeks, like last time, and then having the ultrasound at 12 weeks, like last time.  I don't want to feel that déjà vu.  So, we looked at later times, which would have me sharing the news with family and facebook at about 14 weeks.

But, the more I think about that, the less I like it, and the more I feel we should go ahead and share at Thanksgiving.  Just because it happened one way last time, doesn't mean the same thing will happen this time.  All the doctors I've seen assure me that my miscarriage was a "lightning strike", a fluke, and that it won't happen again.  I've been told by one doctor that they've "never seen such a perfect uterus and ovaries."  Maybe this is me going out in faith.  Maybe it's me going out in foolish hope.  But I am willing to trust....so, Thanksgiving it is!

Three days until we tell coworkers, 4 weeks until we tell small group, 5.5 weeks until we tell family and Facebook.  Love you, Peanut!    

Week Five

Today starts week five of pregnancy.  Peanut, this week you will grow to the size of an orange seed!  A lot bigger than the poppy seed you were last week.  This week, your heart is starting to take shape.  The heart, brain and spinal cord are the first things to form.  We love you very much.

I cancelled the early appointment (7 weeks) I had made with Women's Birth and Wellness Center, and moved it to 11 weeks.  I decided that nothing would convince me this child is okay until I hear (or preferably see) his/her little heart beating.  So, an early appointment would be a waste of time and money.  My first appointment won't be until the end of November, and we'll tell family and Facebook after that.  We are planning on telling coworkers much earlier, and our church small group a little after that.  

STILL Pregnant!

Checked again this morning--we weren't imagining those two lines.  I am pregnant for the second time!  Since I chose "Jellybean" for our first, Jared chose "Peanut" for this baby.  So, until we are ready to share your name, you'll be our Peanut.

I am worried--I knew I would be.  Every twinge in my belly could be the worst, and I dwell on my perceived lack of symptoms on any given day.  I called the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill and asked to have a six week checkup before the usual first visit at ten weeks.  But, after talking with Jared about it, I think I will go on faith and cancel that appointment.

My due date is showing as June 19th.  I'm four weeks pregnant and Peanut is the size of a poppy seed.  We are so thankful and praising God for restoring what He has taken away.

PREGNANT

This morning there was a positive result!  The faintest, thinnest, most beautiful line ever.  I thanked God and praised Him for His blessings.  Jared is so happy, and wants to call this little person "Peanut".  I'll test again on Wednesday and hope for a darker, clearer line....and after that I will call the Birth Center to get back into their system!

This means that I did, in fact, get pregnant by September, which was my stated goal back in May when I had my miscarriage.  God is in the details.

Either No or Too Early

Got a negative this morning.  Thinking it may be too early, either way.  If I ovulated last Friday, then it's really only been nine days.  I mean, the test says you can take it five days before your period, but more people get results if you wait longer.  HcG hormone doubles every 48 hours, so I'll try again on Monday and on Wednesday if necessary.  I should start my period on Wednesday if I'm not pregnant.

All those friends who got pregnant right around the same time as me are announcing they're 30 weeks, 34 weeks, 36 weeks....I feel very bitter.  I would be 32 weeks today.  Instead, I'm back at square one, possibly nine days pregnant but also very possibly not pregnant at all.

On the Edge

I've continued to visit the bathroom more than usual each day, I feel more fatigued than normal (fell asleep on the couch tonight at nine), and my breasts are sore.  I'm going to test tomorrow, five days early.  The wait is making me crazy.  At least there's a chance of a positive result, as opposed to waiting and not knowing.  Even if it's negative, I'll test every other day until I get visual confirmation of such.

As much as I hate not knowing, I also don't want to be disappointed.  Although I know that's a big possibility.  But technically I shouldn't expect disappointment because I'm supposed to have hope and faith in God to answer our prayers.  Do you see how confusing this is?

I feel I've lived through enough heartbreak and disappointment to know not to only and always expect good things from God.  He is sovereign, and He answers a lot of my prayers with, "no".  I have faith that God's will will be done, but that doesn't mean it's going to be my will, too.

Here's to all things new come morning.  Possibly.  

How Should I Hope?

It's been less than a week into our wait, and I am already looking for signs I might be pregnant.  I feel I can't help it--I want to hope so badly, but I also don't, because I don't want to be disappointed if I'm not.

As pathetic as it sounds, I've counted the times I've visited the bathroom today so far: eight.  Most days, that number is four.  Maybe, five.

Of course, what does that prove?  Nothing.  My silly little mind, reaching out to grasp at straws.  I really don't like the two week wait.  I just want to know, one way or the other.  Still need to wait another eight days before I can check.