Healing, At Last

It's Sunday again.  I haven't bled in eight days.  I find myself going to the bathroom without checking the toilet paper.  It's been forever since I did that.  I think, finally, that I am healing.  I feel like the next bleeding will be a period, and then Jared and I can start trying again.  I have started talking to God again and telling Him I want a restored relationship--for Him to come back to me, and for me to come back to Him.  It's slow going.

Jared and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary on Thursday!  He brought me roses and took me out to dinner.  I got him a CD he asked for, and a gift card to Best Buy--his favorite store.  We're just not the kind of people who need big, elaborate gifts.

On Friday, we got a puppy.  Her name is Josie, and she's an English bulldog.  We have been planning on getting her for a year and a half.  Jared's never had a dog, but always wanted this particular breed.  I had Ginger, who was a mutt.  She was a great dog, and I hope Josie will be a great dog too.  We're butting heads on house-training, currently.

I guess, all said and done, it's been a great week and I have a lot to be thankful for.  I'm trying to go back to being more vocal in my talks with God about the good things He's done for me.  But honestly, after all He has allowed me to go through, it's hard to go back to the way it was before.

Useless Update

At my appointment with the birth center last Tuesday, I had two exams that went fine, and blood work done.  The blood work came back normal in every way.  I also had an ultrasound on Saturday.  The sonographer couldn't see a thing wrong with me--said she couldn't ask for a more perfect looking set set of ovaries and uterus.  So there are still no answers.

I did stop bleeding last night and haven't really bled in the last 24 hours.  But I'm not ready to say I'm healing.  I stopped bleeding for five days at the beginning of this month, and then things got really bad.  Maybe if I don't bleed for 10 days, I can say with certainty that I'm healing.

I cancelled my regular doctor's appointment on Friday where I was going to talk about anxiety.  I guess I was hoping that I would be better soon on my own.

Tomorrow starts my second full week of kindergarten, and I've got to say, I'm not a fan.  I've done three years of first grade assisting, and when I started kindergarten last year, I came in the middle of September, when the students all knew the rules and were familiar with the routine.  When they come in at the beginning, they know nothing.  I find myself very tired all day, all week.  My patience runs thin.  I loved first grade, but now the school system has changed it so that first grade assistants are paired with 2-3 teachers, instead of one.  I've done that before and didn't like it at all.  I'm not ready to look for something else, but I wouldn't shut the idea out entirely.

No Answers

Tomorrow, Wednesday, will be seven weeks since my D&C.  I've bled for all but five days of that.  It's been getting progressively worse since last Friday.  Today at work, I was losing so much blood I felt light-headed, faint and a little dizzy.  It's still not enough that I should go to the ER, but I seem to get closer each day.

I went to the birth center today.  They did two exams, blood work, and will schedule me for an ultrasound later this week.  I was told it could be one of three things: (1) this is my period (it's not because I'm not cramping at all and I have passed large, solid chunks of tissue), (2) my uterus is infected/inflamed (I'd need an antibiotic and then back to spotting until God knows when), (3) there is "retained product" (stuff left over) from the D&C in my uterus (this would require waiting it out, again, until God knows when, or going back into surgery for another D&C.  And I will be damned if they get me back in there alive.)

So, my whole existence and outlook on life is one big "I don't know" right now.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't know how long it will take for me to heal.  I don't know if I will heal.  I don't know if God cares about me.  I don't know if God is listening to me.  I don't know if God will heal me.  I don't know if I will ever be OK again.

I have been noticing some things about myself in the last few weeks.  It's harder for me to make and maintain eye contact with others.  I stutter in my sentences and say many words with the last letter first and the first letter last.  Or, I say two words but they come out in the wrong order.  My hands shake, and I grit my teeth and purse my lips all the time.  I am going to my regular doctor on Friday to ask about anti-anxiety medication, to help me get through this.  I hope that can lessen these issues.

I have no answers.  I have next to no hope.  If asked, I would say that the worst possible thing that could happen will prove to be what's happening, and I will probably never heal.

Even More Confused

Definitely not pregnant.  Possibly infected.  I've been too upset the past few days, so I called the Birth Center this morning and spoke to the midwife on call.  I told her that I was having anxiety over the fact that I was still bleeding, and that I didn't know how much longer I could take this.  She said it was "unusual" for me to be bleeding six weeks after a D&C and asked a few questions.  She said it was good that I had no clots or heavy bleeding, and asked if I had a fever.  I told her I didn't think so, but I hadn't checked.  It got me thinking, though, that I had noticed my face seemed hot from about Wednesday on.  She eventually told me to call back on Monday to book an appointment to be seen, and we hung up.

I went to take my temperature.  I had a fever of 99.7.  About 20 minutes later, I'm outside and feel this "gush".  Run inside, and I'm streaming out bright red blood (no clots).  Call the midwife back, she says as long as the fever's under 100.5 and I don't fill a pad in an hour, I'm okay.  That the fever's probably from the cysts in my leg, and that the bleeding is probably my period.  I hang up feeling pretty good about stuff.  A little crampy, but satisfied that we're finally moving forward.

Fast forward 3 hours, and the red blood and the cramps are gone.  We're back to brown spotting.  The fever is supposedly gone, although I think my thermometers are faulty.  There's no way I'm 98.1.  So no, Ms. Midwife, this is not a period, yes I am still spotting from a D&C that was SIX AND A HALF WEEKS AGO and that fever is probably related to my reproductive health, not my cysts.

I am staring down an empty barrel that used to contain patience, hope and trust.  Now I just feel neglected, ignored and permanently broken.

Small Disappointment

At this point, I'm 90% certain I'm not pregnant.  I've continued to spot in brown and pink for five days.  So, last week when I didn't bleed was just a temporary respite from my miscarriage bleeding, which has now continued another week.  That means I bled for four weeks, got a week off, and have now finished out a fifth week of bleeding. 

I don't know how many times I've asked, pled, begged, demanded that God would heal me.  I know He is good, but it doesn't feel like it.  I know He's with me, but it doesn't feel like it.  I know He cares, but it doesn't feel like it.

It's too late today, but I'll call the Birth Center on Monday for some advice.  I want nothing more in life than to get my period and then stop bleeding. 

Wanderings

I wish I had a pregnancy test to take, but I know I wouldn't trust the results either way.  I had what I thought (still think?) could have been implantation bleeding, but it's gone from being brown Sunday night to Tuesday night, to a larger amount of pink, and back to almost nothing.  I've read that implantation bleeding doesn't take more than two days.  Since it's been three now, my hope is fading.

Jared is in Florida this week.  We vacationed in Charleston last Thursday-Sunday, which was so needed and so fun.  Got home Sunday night, and mid-Monday, he was driving to Orlando for a worship conference.  He's the sales rep for Kinetic Church, the church we belonged to when we lived in Charlotte.  Jared should be back Saturday night, and I'm staying with my family until then.  But there's not much to do, and I wind up with way too much time to ponder over my miscarriage, my job, my bills...it's not healthy.  I find myself feeling very "down". 

Jared has been feeling down, too.  I didn't realize it, but he seems to have held everything inside of him while I was healing emotionally after the miscarriage.  After he felt I was better, that's when he told me he felt depressed, and angry at God.  I wish I had seen it and been able to help him.  But I am trying to support and encourage him now, and helping him seek out others that he can talk with.  I hope things are getting better for him now, too.

The Cost of Care

I think I've now received all the hospital bills due to my miscarriage.  In total, I owe $1800 to UNC.  Since the experience was so terrible in the first place, it's rubbing salt and alcohol in my big, deep wounds. 

We have less than $1500 to our name right now.  I think I am going to pay $25 a month to the hospital, and $10 a month to the physicians.  It's really all we can afford.

When I realized the total amount that I owe, my first thought was, "If I have a second miscarriage, I'd rather die than go to the hospital.  I can afford that better."  And I can't imagine that I am the only one who has ever had a variation of that thought.  What does that say about our healthcare costs, when I'd rather die at home than go to the hospital?  It makes me so angry and frustrated that I have no power to control the obscene costs of healthcare. 

Looking for Signs

I don't think about it for a little while, and then I dwell on it, and then back and forth again.  I keep looking for the signs that I could be pregnant again: peeing constantly (yes, but could be because I'm drinking lots), sensitive breasts (yes, but could be for a number of reasons), fatigue (yes, but everything seems to cause fatigue).  I get worried at every single twinge in my belly--hunger, fullness, gas--every little thing could be a very early miscarriage. 

I'll be able to take a test next Saturday, I guess.  I don't really know, since I'm not familar with my cycle anymore. 

What's Going On?

More miscarriage talk for you.  As stated before, my hGc (pregnancy hormones) have to drop down to 0 before my body realizes it needs to ovulate again and start my cycles.  My levels were at 18 almost 2 weeks ago, and I would have expected them to be at 0 about....last Monday.  I have no idea if ovulation is immediately afterward, or if it then takes 2 more weeks to ovulate.  But I didn't bleed from last Monday through yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.  And last night, I noticed some light pink spotting.  It's gone tonight.

Possibility #1: I'm still bleeding from my miscarriage, which was NINE weeks ago.  The D&C was six weeks ago.

Possibility #2 which, if true, I pray does not disappear when I speak it/type it: I'm having implementation bleeding.  This is when an embryo attaches itself to the uterine wall.  It usually happens 5-7 days after conception.  Which does line up with my and Jared's intimacy.  Which, if true, would mean I'm pregnant.

I don't even want to put any stock or hope into #2, in preparation for probable disappointment.  But I did stop drinking wine and coffee and a regiment of antibiotics that I was on for two cysts in my leg.

There's no way to know and nothing to say or do, but it's still enough to lodge in my mind and keep me awake.

Beating the Heat

It's Tuesday today--starting last Friday, the temperature started hitting 100+ every day: 106, 105, 105, 101....  I think today through Thursday, it's "only" supposed to be 97.  It actually reminds me a little of the daily heat and humidity Jared and I endured when we lived in China for six months.  While it couldn't be called comfortable, we did start to get used to it.

Due to the heatwave, a couple of roads have buckled, I've seen many cars on the side of the road, and thousands of folks lose power briefly throughout the day.

I'm kinda proud with how Jared and I have dealt with the heat.  It doesn't pack such a punch after being in China.  We can walk around, get stuff done, and don't break a sweat for a while.  We keep the thermostat up near 80 during the day, and drink plenty of water.  I can understand how those not used to it are sweltering, but it's not so bad for us!

Tonight is Garner's 4th of July celebration at Lake Benson Park.  We'll drive out and meet our friends from our church small group, and enjoy the NC Symphony's concert and fireworks.  Tomorrow's the actual holiday, and Jared and I might go see a movie and then pack for our trip to Charleston.  I've been looking forward to getting away, to having a reset.  I hope that Jared will enjoy it, too.

Another's Sadness

One of my girlfriends in our church small group had a miscarriage last week.  It was also her first, and she was about seven weeks along.  She felt cramping and bleeding, went to the doctor, and started getting negative test results almost immediately.  The doctor didn't see anything at all on the ultrasound, which makes me think hers was a blighted ovum.  This is when the gestational sac develops, but the baby never does.  Her body finally realized it and she had a complete miscarriage with no intervention.

I'm sad for her and jealous at the same time.  Sad that she is experiencing this pain and sadness, this loss.  But jealous that her body did everything right and she's all done, after less than a week.

I'm at 4.5 weeks after D&C, 6 weeks since we found out and 8.5 weeks since the actual miscarriage.  And I'm still bleeding.  I did finally get a negative test result, and my blood work from this past week came back, saying my hormone level is at 18.  Two weeks before, it was at 60, so I hope to be at 0 by this coming Wednesday or Thursday.  I want to go back to a normal cycle so badly.  I have been more than patient in this.  God, I need you to hurry up and heal me.