This blog started with a similar, blunt statement--that I had a miscarriage. These two topics seem to have a "taboo" label on them, and I don't agree with it. Both are (sadly) common occurrences--why should anyone feel they should be ashamed or unable to talk about it?
Yes, I have postpartum depression. Kathryn's stay in the NICU kept me in "crisis mode" so that I was able to effectively push it away and ignore it. But, the second day we were home, I noticed a marked change in my attitude towards Kathryn, myself and life in general. I wasn't hungry and forgot meals. I didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere. I found it near impossible to smile, laugh, or engage in a conversation. I looked at Kathryn and almost felt an aversion, rather than a bond. While she slept, I had anxiety, dreading the moment she would wake up and need something from me. I didn't sleep, and it wasn't because of Kathryn, it was me.
I knew I was at risk for PPD. My mental health history includes some general anxiety and ADD. So I didn't wait long to talk with the midwives and seek help. By day five of being home from the hospital, I was on a prescription and had the name of a Christian counselor to schedule an appointment with. The midwives also called my family to give them information on PPD and some tangible ways they could help me.
The week after that was one of the lowest points I've ever had. My mother was there, faithfully, each day. She had to make sure I ate, slept, got off the couch and out of the house, and even had to make sure I fed Kathryn and interacted with her. I felt no love towards my child--she could've been anyone's newborn, for all I cared about her. I knew that feeling was wrong, but please try and understand that IT WASN'T HOW I TRULY FELT. My mind, my depression, was creating that lack of feeling.
If you find yourself feeling this way at all, please get help. Talk to someone you trust. These feelings aren't an honest reflection of you as a parent or a person, so there is no reason to be ashamed or keep it hidden. It is NOT YOUR FAULT for having postpartum depression. As I said at the beginning, it is very common after giving birth to find yourself in some level of depression, and you should always have someone you can talk with about how you are feeling.
A week after I started taking medicine, I felt a new change--I was able to smile! I was able to get myself dressed for a dinner date and enjoy it. Each day after that, I felt a little more "normal". I began to seek out time with Kathryn, instead of dreading it. I enjoyed food and I could sleep again. I felt more confident in my ability to function through each day. My mother-in-law spent that second week with me, another blessing.
I've been on medicine for about a month now, and have had a few meetings with the counselor. I feel "back to normal" at this point, and am so glad that I sought help immediately. I couldn't imagine trying to fight through those feelings for another day, much less another week or even a month! I'll urge you again, if any of the above sounds like your life, or if you recognize someone else with these feelings, please get help. Postpartum depression isn't anything to be ashamed of. You didn't do anything to get it, and there's not any proven way to prevent it. But there are many resources to treat it!
Those negative feelings--they weren't me. That was just the depression talking. Kathryn's six weeks old now, and I love her dearly. I love to spend time with her and get so much joy out of having her in my life. She's so smart, beautiful, and strong! This is the way I truly feel about my daughter. I am so thankful for modern medicine, my attentive midwives, the wisdom of Christian counseling, and the prayers, love and practical care from Jared and both of our families.
Showing posts with label Kathryn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kathryn. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Starting week 42!
Kathryn, you are 41 weeks developed, today! The world around us is getting antsier and more anxious, but you, me and Jared are keeping the zen. After all, you can't rush perfection. We love you very much.
Here's a 41 week picture from today. Kathryn has dropped, she is in a good position, and she continues to move a bit every day. Jared checks for her heartbeat and movement on a daily basis. I have been having prodromal ("fake") labor for about two and a half days--the contractions hurt, but are not overwhelming--more annoying. They are not properly time-able--some will be 5 minutes apart, others will be 30 minutes apart, or even hours later.
The "When to Expect" website that I mentioned a few posts ago now says I have a 65% chance of delivering this week. I really thought it would be higher than that! They say their best guess on Kathryn's weight would be 7lbs and 13oz. I feel like she is probably a little heavier than that.
The last time I was at the birth center (when I was 39 weeks and 4 days), I was scheduled for a biophysical profile that's to take place tomorrow morning. Basically, it's an ultrasound and a non-stress test, just to make sure that it's okay for us to keep waiting. If you pray, you can pray that both of these go well and that we will not face pressure for an induction. Jared and I want to have a natural and non-medicated birth, as long as Kathryn and I can remain safe and healthy.
Here's a 41 week picture from today. Kathryn has dropped, she is in a good position, and she continues to move a bit every day. Jared checks for her heartbeat and movement on a daily basis. I have been having prodromal ("fake") labor for about two and a half days--the contractions hurt, but are not overwhelming--more annoying. They are not properly time-able--some will be 5 minutes apart, others will be 30 minutes apart, or even hours later.
The "When to Expect" website that I mentioned a few posts ago now says I have a 65% chance of delivering this week. I really thought it would be higher than that! They say their best guess on Kathryn's weight would be 7lbs and 13oz. I feel like she is probably a little heavier than that.
The last time I was at the birth center (when I was 39 weeks and 4 days), I was scheduled for a biophysical profile that's to take place tomorrow morning. Basically, it's an ultrasound and a non-stress test, just to make sure that it's okay for us to keep waiting. If you pray, you can pray that both of these go well and that we will not face pressure for an induction. Jared and I want to have a natural and non-medicated birth, as long as Kathryn and I can remain safe and healthy.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Week 39 is Starting
Hello, Kathryn! You keep building up a layer of fat this week to help regulate your temperature once you're out, but there's no real telling anymore how much you weigh or how long you are. Most books would say you're about the average this week, at 19-21 inches long and seven or eight pounds. Boys tend to be a little heavier than girls at birth. Your head has dropped a little bit into my pelvis--not enough to really hurt or affect my walk, but it's a sign that you're getting yourself ready. You still move every day, but the peak of your movement was several weeks ago, when you had more room. Your brain continues to grow and your pink skin is turning more white. We love you very much.
Several people now have asked me if the midwives have changed my due date. I figure I will take advantage of my little soapbox here to inform folks that one's due date is usually only changed within the first trimester (three months). In fact, my midwives originally thought my due date was June 18th, based on when I *should* have ovulated, which was based on my last menstrual cycle. However, once I had my first ultrasound, the technician was able to measure Kathryn and, with a higher degree of certainty, say that Kathryn was not big enough to be due on June 18th, and that, more likely, she was a week behind and would come around June 27th. So, no, my due date will not be changing any. (And if you've read some of my other posts, you know the due date is fairly meaningless, anyway!) Speaking of, here's a link to a great article that one of my friends shared with me today. http://voices.yahoo.com/the-lie-edd-why-due-date-isnt-you-1958162.html?cat=25
I'm feeling uncomfortable, but not miserable. I ask Jared to do a lot of things that require bending down or lifting, and he's great about helping. I take some Tylenol each night to relieve my pelvic pain and help me sleep. I go to the Birth Center on Mondays for check-ups and to the chiropractor once or twice a week to help with keeping my pelvis aligned and my ligaments nice and loose. I do keep busy, and still have a couple of things I'd like to get done before Kathryn arrives. This week I have made chili and sausage balls to keep for meals, received the last few things from our registry that we wanted to have before Kathryn comes, washed baby clothes and put away items in the nursery, bought nursing bras, had the car seat bases inspected, had my hair cut and nails done, and stocked up on paper and toiletry products so we don't have to worry about running out in the next few weeks. I still feel like this pregnancy has flown by and feel very grateful that I've had no complications, drama or terribly unpleasant symptoms. God is good to us and I try to be mindful to give thanks each day.
Several people now have asked me if the midwives have changed my due date. I figure I will take advantage of my little soapbox here to inform folks that one's due date is usually only changed within the first trimester (three months). In fact, my midwives originally thought my due date was June 18th, based on when I *should* have ovulated, which was based on my last menstrual cycle. However, once I had my first ultrasound, the technician was able to measure Kathryn and, with a higher degree of certainty, say that Kathryn was not big enough to be due on June 18th, and that, more likely, she was a week behind and would come around June 27th. So, no, my due date will not be changing any. (And if you've read some of my other posts, you know the due date is fairly meaningless, anyway!) Speaking of, here's a link to a great article that one of my friends shared with me today. http://voices.yahoo.com/the-lie-edd-why-due-date-isnt-you-1958162.html?cat=25
I'm feeling uncomfortable, but not miserable. I ask Jared to do a lot of things that require bending down or lifting, and he's great about helping. I take some Tylenol each night to relieve my pelvic pain and help me sleep. I go to the Birth Center on Mondays for check-ups and to the chiropractor once or twice a week to help with keeping my pelvis aligned and my ligaments nice and loose. I do keep busy, and still have a couple of things I'd like to get done before Kathryn arrives. This week I have made chili and sausage balls to keep for meals, received the last few things from our registry that we wanted to have before Kathryn comes, washed baby clothes and put away items in the nursery, bought nursing bras, had the car seat bases inspected, had my hair cut and nails done, and stocked up on paper and toiletry products so we don't have to worry about running out in the next few weeks. I still feel like this pregnancy has flown by and feel very grateful that I've had no complications, drama or terribly unpleasant symptoms. God is good to us and I try to be mindful to give thanks each day.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Week 38 starts today
Kathryn, we start week 38 today! It really has gone fast. You'll grow to about 6.8 or 7 pounds this week. The average newborn weighs 7.5 pounds (that number is skewed because of inductions and C-sections that happen before the baby is ready or even "due"), and is about 20 inches long. You've got a firm grasp and organs that are now mature enough for outside living. Most of the hair (lanugo) and greasy covering (vernix) is disappearing. You're plumping up your fat cells and taking in more antibodies to grow your immune system. You're squirming and pushing, but not kicking anymore. If your eyes are brown when you're born, they'll most likely stay brown. If they are grey or blue, they may stay blue, or they may turn hazel or green.
We have anywhere from a day to five weeks left. Jared and I aren't anxious--we know Kathryn will come when she's ready, and we don't want to hurry her. She is still "floating"--her head hasn't actually rested into my pelvis. So, that right there tells me it'll probably at least be 3 more weeks. I still have acid reflux and some leg cramping, and swelling in my legs and feet. Jared says my stretch marks remind him of a red watermelon--so charming. :) It is difficult to sleep, and painful both to lie still and to turn over. Sometimes I take Tylenol before bed, to try and help it.
Jared and I took this morning to have our "new parent" pictures taken at the Preston Woodall House in Benson, where we were married almost five years ago. It was fun, and we're glad the rain held off! I'll have weekly appointments at the Birth Center on Mondays, until Kathryn decides to arrive.
We have anywhere from a day to five weeks left. Jared and I aren't anxious--we know Kathryn will come when she's ready, and we don't want to hurry her. She is still "floating"--her head hasn't actually rested into my pelvis. So, that right there tells me it'll probably at least be 3 more weeks. I still have acid reflux and some leg cramping, and swelling in my legs and feet. Jared says my stretch marks remind him of a red watermelon--so charming. :) It is difficult to sleep, and painful both to lie still and to turn over. Sometimes I take Tylenol before bed, to try and help it.
Jared and I took this morning to have our "new parent" pictures taken at the Preston Woodall House in Benson, where we were married almost five years ago. It was fun, and we're glad the rain held off! I'll have weekly appointments at the Birth Center on Mondays, until Kathryn decides to arrive.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Hello Third Trimester
We start week 28 today, Kathryn! This is the beginning of the third trimester. You might be settling with your head down, but of course, I can't tell. You are about 2.5 pounds and are 15-16 inches long! You will start blinking this week--an important skill, just like the ones you already know--coughing, sucking, taking practice breaths and hiccuping. When you sleep, you now have a REM phase, which means you could be dreaming. Your lungs are nearing full maturity, but still have a little ways to go. You are also developing billions of neurons in your brain and adding more body fat. We love you very much.
I am excited to be this far along, but keeping an eye on the calender and trying to keep ahead of feeling "rushed". Your nursery is coming along nicely, and you have NO NEED for clothes until about Christmas--friends have been very generous (and sales have been very good).
The average woman gains 11 pounds this trimester. If I gained that much, I would be around 25 pounds heavier. That sounds like a pretty good number to me, but I will try to keep it between 20 and 25. I'll be visiting the birth center again in less than two weeks--they are wanting to see me more often now that I am closing in on the last few months.
I DID offer my resignation from work this week, effective after three weeks (now two). Everyone but the principal has been very understanding, and I feel a huge relief from the decision. I'll switch over to Jared's insurance, and will join a temp agency for as long as I'm able to work.
Kathryn is moving and kicking throughout the day, with patterns in the morning and late afternoon and late night. I do have some achiness and shortness of breath, scattered Braxton Hicks contractions, and my acid reflux is trying to come back. But other than those small things, I think pregnancy really suits me. I enjoy the way I look and I feel confident again in my body, and the fact that it was made to do this job. Pregnancy just feels "natural" to me.
Two more weeks of work, a little less than two weeks until our next appointment, and 90 days until our due date--but Jared's guessing July 2nd and I would be amused if she held out for July 4th instead. :)
I am excited to be this far along, but keeping an eye on the calender and trying to keep ahead of feeling "rushed". Your nursery is coming along nicely, and you have NO NEED for clothes until about Christmas--friends have been very generous (and sales have been very good).
a "nightlight" of sorts--lit cherry blossom
crib, changing table, and toy/supply cube. Those bamboo shoots (and cherry blossom stems) will go on the walls once we receive the decals we ordered.
window flower planter that I painted pink to hold books on the wall
chest for clothes, diapers, etc...book holders, rocking chair
The average woman gains 11 pounds this trimester. If I gained that much, I would be around 25 pounds heavier. That sounds like a pretty good number to me, but I will try to keep it between 20 and 25. I'll be visiting the birth center again in less than two weeks--they are wanting to see me more often now that I am closing in on the last few months.
I DID offer my resignation from work this week, effective after three weeks (now two). Everyone but the principal has been very understanding, and I feel a huge relief from the decision. I'll switch over to Jared's insurance, and will join a temp agency for as long as I'm able to work.
Kathryn is moving and kicking throughout the day, with patterns in the morning and late afternoon and late night. I do have some achiness and shortness of breath, scattered Braxton Hicks contractions, and my acid reflux is trying to come back. But other than those small things, I think pregnancy really suits me. I enjoy the way I look and I feel confident again in my body, and the fact that it was made to do this job. Pregnancy just feels "natural" to me.
Two more weeks of work, a little less than two weeks until our next appointment, and 90 days until our due date--but Jared's guessing July 2nd and I would be amused if she held out for July 4th instead. :)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The Name Game Reveal
Peanut has had a name since last May, when I was pregnant with her brother or sister who's now in Heaven. We saved the names we had decided on to use on future children, and named our first one Angel instead. We are proud and excited to announce that our little one will be called.....
Kathryn means purity. Sophia means wisdom. We did not name her after anyone--we simply liked and agreed on these names, so that's what she'll be! We plan on calling her "Kathryn" as opposed to "Kate", "Katy", "Kat", or any other variation.
Kathryn is about 96 days--around three months--from her due date today. But don't get too comfortable with that date since 80% of first time moms go a week past their due date! :) We love you and look forward to meeting you, Kathryn Sophia!
Kathryn means purity. Sophia means wisdom. We did not name her after anyone--we simply liked and agreed on these names, so that's what she'll be! We plan on calling her "Kathryn" as opposed to "Kate", "Katy", "Kat", or any other variation.
We used personalized M&Ms to share her name with our families this weekend.
Kathryn is about 96 days--around three months--from her due date today. But don't get too comfortable with that date since 80% of first time moms go a week past their due date! :) We love you and look forward to meeting you, Kathryn Sophia!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)