I have postpartum depression.

This blog started with a similar, blunt statement--that I had a miscarriage.  These two topics seem to have a "taboo" label on them, and I don't agree with it.  Both are (sadly) common occurrences--why should anyone feel they should be ashamed or unable to talk about it?

Yes, I have postpartum depression.  Kathryn's stay in the NICU kept me in "crisis mode" so that I was able to effectively push it away and ignore it.  But, the second day we were home, I noticed a marked change in my attitude towards Kathryn, myself and life in general.  I wasn't hungry and forgot meals.  I didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere.  I found it near impossible to smile, laugh, or engage in a conversation.  I looked at Kathryn and almost felt an aversion, rather than a bond.  While she slept, I had anxiety, dreading the moment she would wake up and need something from me.  I didn't sleep, and it wasn't because of Kathryn, it was me.

I knew I was at risk for PPD.  My mental health history includes some general anxiety and ADD.  So I didn't wait long to talk with the midwives and seek help.  By day five of being home from the hospital, I was on a prescription and had the name of a Christian counselor to schedule an appointment with.  The midwives also called my family to give them information on PPD and some tangible ways they could help me.

The week after that was one of the lowest points I've ever had.  My mother was there, faithfully, each day.  She had to make sure I ate, slept, got off the couch and out of the house, and even had to make sure I fed Kathryn and interacted with her.  I felt no love towards my child--she could've been anyone's newborn, for all I cared about her.  I knew that feeling was wrong, but please try and understand that IT WASN'T HOW I TRULY FELT.  My mind, my depression, was creating that lack of feeling.

If you find yourself feeling this way at all, please get help.  Talk to someone you trust.  These feelings aren't an honest reflection of you as a parent or a person, so there is no reason to be ashamed or keep it hidden.  It is NOT YOUR FAULT for having postpartum depression.  As I said at the beginning, it is very common after giving birth to find yourself in some level of depression, and you should always have someone you can talk with about how you are feeling.

A week after I started taking medicine, I felt a new change--I was able to smile!  I was able to get myself dressed for a dinner date and enjoy it.  Each day after that, I felt a little more "normal".  I began to seek out time with Kathryn, instead of dreading it.  I enjoyed food and I could sleep again.  I felt more confident in my ability to function through each day.  My mother-in-law spent that second week with me, another blessing.

I've been on medicine for about a month now, and have had a few meetings with the counselor.  I feel "back to normal" at this point, and am so glad that I sought help immediately.  I couldn't imagine trying to fight through those feelings for another day, much less another week or even a month!  I'll urge you again, if any of the above sounds like your life, or if you recognize someone else with these feelings, please get help.  Postpartum depression isn't anything to be ashamed of.  You didn't do anything to get it, and there's not any proven way to prevent it.  But there are many resources to treat it!

Those negative feelings--they weren't me.  That was just the depression talking.  Kathryn's six weeks old now, and I love her dearly.  I love to spend time with her and get so much joy out of having her in my life.  She's so smart, beautiful, and strong!  This is the way I truly feel about my daughter.  I am so thankful for modern medicine, my attentive midwives, the wisdom of Christian counseling, and the prayers, love and practical care from Jared and both of our families.