Three months? Really?

In a way, it feels like Kathryn's only been here a few weeks.  In other ways, though, it feels like it's been longer than three months.  I still recall our lives before her, and sometimes I do miss things.  Such as, I used to be able to hop in and out of the car quickly.  I used to set an alarm clock.  I used to garden and wander around the yard doing little things.  But as I told Kathryn today, I am so glad to have her in my life.  God gave us the best baby He had.

When we weighed Kathryn on October 8th (3 months exactly), she was 13 pounds and 2 ounces.  That means that in one months, she moved from the 50th percentile in weight to the 69th percentile.  I'm not sure how long she is now, but at two months, she was 90th percentile on that.

Listening to peoples' experiences with their own infants, and dire predictions of "you'll never sleep again" or "just accept you'll be wearing spit-up and poop for the next year", I expected a much less pleasant experience.  But, ever since I worked through the postpartum depression, I've had a wonderful time being a mom.  I consider this a huge blessing from God--not anything I did.  Kathryn's been sleeping through the night for about eight weeks.  And by "through the night", I mean from about 10pm to 7am.  She does not fight sleep, and she sleeps deeply and soundly.  We can live our lives normally around her while she does her baby snoring.  

And yes, she spits up some, but it's nothing that gross--just a mixture of formula and water that happened to come back up.  And I'll spare you diaper details, but it's nothing worse than picking up after the dog.  Kathryn doesn't like dirty diapers and loves to be changed.  She smiles beautifully--sometimes, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she closes her eyes at night!

 
She is a happy girl who tolerates everything well.  She loves bath time, "talking", music, movement and lights, being on her tummy, trying to sit up--everything is fun to her.  So far, I haven't had a moment where she couldn't be consoled, or a moment where she has cried for more than 15 minutes.

I am beyond thankful for Kathryn and how mellow she is, but I try not to get too used to it.  I know we will have valleys to go through.  And I will love her just as much in those hard times, too.

Bravery?

My post about my postpartum depression made some waves, in my pool of friends and beyond.  I've gotten several notes about it--some from people I know, and some from people I haven't met yet.  Most of these notes called me "brave" for speaking about it.  I appreciate this sentiment and it was so kind for people to write, but I want the shoe to be on the other foot--I want for people who hold a stigma about mental health to have to be brave.

Brave enough to confront the fact that they hold such a stigma.

Brave enough to treat me, and anyone else with a mental health issue, the same as you'd treat someone that was struggling with asthma.  After all, they're both simply illnesses.

Brave enough to cast off that stigma about people with mental health issues and speak out in favor of a more supportive and accepting view.

As an update, Kathryn is ten weeks old today and I feel good.  I take 75 mg of Zoloft each morning and I keep the telephone number of my counselor close by, in case I feel I need some extra support.  I have several supportive friends at church who check in with me and invite me to things, and both sets of parents check in often.  I am aware I also have a lot of prayer support that continues each day.

I love spending time with Kathryn and often ask Jared to let me hold her more, even though he's home from work and wants to love on her some.  I'm able to get chores and errands done at a fairly good pace, and I feel hopeful and confident about each day and the future.  I am so thankful to God for His many blessings in my life.

I'm humbled and glad that some people have found my openness to be helpful and emboldening.  But I want to see this go farther.  Mental health issues are not rare.  An estimated 26.4 percent of adult Americans (that means about 1 in 4 people) have a mental disorder in any given year.  This includes anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD, bipolar, etc.  In total, that's about 60 million Americans.  And none of us should feel we have to hide it.  Hiding it or ignoring it only makes the disorder worse!  Instead, talk about it and seek treatment.  Reach out to family, friends, a pastor or a counselor.  Dare people to confront the stigma and change it.  Do not accept (or fear) peoples' negative (and ignorant) judgement based simply upon an illness.        

2 Month Well Visit

Kathryn, you are 9 weeks today, but you were officially 2 months old yesterday.  We visited Dr. Ennis this afternoon, and she's very happy with your progress!  You are 23.5 inches long (90th percentile), your head circumference is 15.5 inches (70th percentile), and you weigh 10lb 12oz (50% percentile).  It seems you may be a tall girl!

You got five shots in your legs today, and also got the oral vaccine.  You were straining for more of the oral vaccine, because it tastes sweet.  The shots weren't fun--you screamed, but you were calm again within two minutes.

Dr. Ennis said you seemed developmentally on track in every way.  Daddy and I are glad to hear that!

Milestones

Kathryn, you are only seven weeks old and already you can do so much!

You started lifting your head at 1.5 weeks, and you're very good at it now.  Another couple of weeks and I think you'll have full head control.

You are very attentive--you started tracking at two weeks.  You like to follow objects and people with your eyes.  It seems you're always ready to learn!

You started to coo at four weeks.  You now make sounds like "guh", "ahh", "ehh" and "buh".  I talk back to you--I say "yum", "ma", "bee", and "oh".

You recognize me and Jared and you calm down from crying when we walk into your line of sight.

You slept through the night at 5.5 weeks old, and have been making it a habit since then.  You now sleep 7-9 hours straight each night!

You haven't quite "discovered" your hands--as in, looking at them--but you do use them to reach for things and to move things.  You smile so big when you manage to move one of your hanging toys by touching it.

You laughed for the first time yesterday, at seven weeks old.  We all want to hear more of that fun sound!

I have postpartum depression.

This blog started with a similar, blunt statement--that I had a miscarriage.  These two topics seem to have a "taboo" label on them, and I don't agree with it.  Both are (sadly) common occurrences--why should anyone feel they should be ashamed or unable to talk about it?

Yes, I have postpartum depression.  Kathryn's stay in the NICU kept me in "crisis mode" so that I was able to effectively push it away and ignore it.  But, the second day we were home, I noticed a marked change in my attitude towards Kathryn, myself and life in general.  I wasn't hungry and forgot meals.  I didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere.  I found it near impossible to smile, laugh, or engage in a conversation.  I looked at Kathryn and almost felt an aversion, rather than a bond.  While she slept, I had anxiety, dreading the moment she would wake up and need something from me.  I didn't sleep, and it wasn't because of Kathryn, it was me.

I knew I was at risk for PPD.  My mental health history includes some general anxiety and ADD.  So I didn't wait long to talk with the midwives and seek help.  By day five of being home from the hospital, I was on a prescription and had the name of a Christian counselor to schedule an appointment with.  The midwives also called my family to give them information on PPD and some tangible ways they could help me.

The week after that was one of the lowest points I've ever had.  My mother was there, faithfully, each day.  She had to make sure I ate, slept, got off the couch and out of the house, and even had to make sure I fed Kathryn and interacted with her.  I felt no love towards my child--she could've been anyone's newborn, for all I cared about her.  I knew that feeling was wrong, but please try and understand that IT WASN'T HOW I TRULY FELT.  My mind, my depression, was creating that lack of feeling.

If you find yourself feeling this way at all, please get help.  Talk to someone you trust.  These feelings aren't an honest reflection of you as a parent or a person, so there is no reason to be ashamed or keep it hidden.  It is NOT YOUR FAULT for having postpartum depression.  As I said at the beginning, it is very common after giving birth to find yourself in some level of depression, and you should always have someone you can talk with about how you are feeling.

A week after I started taking medicine, I felt a new change--I was able to smile!  I was able to get myself dressed for a dinner date and enjoy it.  Each day after that, I felt a little more "normal".  I began to seek out time with Kathryn, instead of dreading it.  I enjoyed food and I could sleep again.  I felt more confident in my ability to function through each day.  My mother-in-law spent that second week with me, another blessing.

I've been on medicine for about a month now, and have had a few meetings with the counselor.  I feel "back to normal" at this point, and am so glad that I sought help immediately.  I couldn't imagine trying to fight through those feelings for another day, much less another week or even a month!  I'll urge you again, if any of the above sounds like your life, or if you recognize someone else with these feelings, please get help.  Postpartum depression isn't anything to be ashamed of.  You didn't do anything to get it, and there's not any proven way to prevent it.  But there are many resources to treat it!

Those negative feelings--they weren't me.  That was just the depression talking.  Kathryn's six weeks old now, and I love her dearly.  I love to spend time with her and get so much joy out of having her in my life.  She's so smart, beautiful, and strong!  This is the way I truly feel about my daughter.  I am so thankful for modern medicine, my attentive midwives, the wisdom of Christian counseling, and the prayers, love and practical care from Jared and both of our families.

One Month Old

Amazingly, 33 days have passed since Kathryn was born--she's 4.5 weeks old now!  She had her one month doctor check-up today.  Here are the highlights:

She weighs 8lbs 12oz --50th percentile.
She's 22.5 inches long--75th percentile.
Her head circumference is 14.75 inches--50th percentile.

She has a mild case of cradle cap that Jared and I will take care of with a special shampoo.

Her reddened eyelids are actually a common birthmark that will fade with time--they are usually termed "angel kisses".  The redness will be more noticeable when she is excited or upset, for up to two years of age.

She is meeting developmental milestones a little ahead of schedule--she coos, grunts, tracks objects side to side and up and down, and is just starting to smile intentionally.  When on her stomach, she can hold her head up for a few seconds, and today she batted at a toy hanging above her.

She got one shot today, and she is a VERY sensitive soul when it comes to those!  The needle went in, and you could see the shock register in her face as she arched her back and took in the deepest breath she could before screaming.  She hasn't had tears up to this point (newborns' tear ducts are immature), but when she cried from getting her shot, the tears came rolling.  Bless her heart--at her two month appointment, she'll be getting five shots.

All in all, she's doing great!

Happy One Week!

Kathryn, you made your debut at 5:33am last Monday, July 8th, 2013.  You were born at UNC Hospital in Chapel Hill.  You were 7 pounds and 13 ounces, and you were 19.3 inches long.  We love you very, very much.

After a week's worth of prodromal (non-productive) labor, I went into true labor Sunday morning around 9am.  I labored at home until 4 or 5 pm when we drove to the Birth Center.  Allison was on call.  I mostly labored in the tub or on my side on the bed.  Everything hurt, and I kept throwing up, which made me extremely dehydrated.  Eventually I labored to 9.7 centimeters dilated and completely effaced, but I had no energy to finish it out.  Plus, Kathryn had her elbow jutted out, making it almost impossible to push.  Because of these things, Allison made the call to transfer me to UNC.  I was given IV fluids and an epidural to restore my energy and strength.  I rested 3-4 hours and woke to have my water broken.  At that time we discovered meconium (baby's first poop) in the fluid, so the NICU team was put on standby.  I pushed about 30 minutes and Kathryn came out beautiful and perfect.  She was breathing, but it was taking her a lot of effort.  Her apgar scores were 8 and 9 anyway.  The NICU team wheeled her over to let me see her and touch her, and then wheeled her off.  We weren't sure at that time what was wrong, although there didn't seem to be too much hurrying or concern.

I received a few stitches and rested for a couple more hours before being moved to a maternity room.  Then we were told that Kathryn both swallowed and breathed in some of her meconium.  It is a very thick substance, and when she breathed it into her lungs and then continued to try to breathe, the pressure built up in the lung and burst two holes in her lung.  These, we were told, would heal on their own over a few days.  However, it made congenital pneumonia, or other infections, possible.  She would have to have her blood studied for infection and undergo a week-long treatment of antibiotics.

That week is almost over.  Tomorrow is Monday again and we are very much looking forward to taking Kathryn home, although we are also a little nervous to be all on our own.  This week has been tumultuous.  We had no plan at all to be away from home more than one night, much less seven nights and eight days.  We didn't have a plan for anyone to bring in the mail/paper, water the garden, watch the house, take care of the dog, etc.  We didn't know where we would stay or how we would afford so many meals and parking fees.  

God has sustained us through this time.  He has provided ways for us to find free meals or people to bring food to us.  He provided a place to stay, away from the hospital (for short breathers away from all the hospital-ness, and a place for Jared to sleep)(that had a free shuttle to and from the hospital);  plus a place to stay within the hospital (for me as I needed to be available in order to breastfeed Kathryn).  We've received many Facebook messages, texts, calls, and some visits to sustain our spirits.  Even though this is very far from what our original plan was, we know it was God's plan and He will continue to provide for us as we are now waiting on receiving the bill for all this care.

I believe I had as natural a birth as possible without endangering my baby or myself, and I am proud of and content with that.  God knew that Kathryn would need extra care as soon as she came out, so He guided our experience to put us in one of America's very best children's hospitals.  To labor that far without medical interventions was no small feat, and I couldn't have done it without Jared's help and support.  He was so strong, positive and encouraging.  I really felt that he had the situation under his control and that he was determined to see me through until the end.  I am so thankful for him.

We are a little nervous to be all on our own, starting tomorrow, but excited to start a "normal" parents-of-a-newborn life.  We love little Kathryn and look forward to watching her grow in all sorts of ways.

Day One

                                                                            Day Seven

Happy Family